ABBA Fans Strike Back

Most Americans would find this amazing, but there are a sizable number of people out there -- mostly in backwashes like Australia, Canada and Europe -- who actually still like, in fact, even idolize and revere the 70s-vintage Euro pop act, ABBA.

I discovered this when I went to research several pieces that I did arguing the absurdity of ABBA's impending induction into Jann Wenner's Rock 'n roll Hall of Fame.

The archived critiques can be seen here: and here:

There are literally hundreds of websites and blogs devoted to the worship of the Swedish quartet -- many of them still quite active and not all products of the official ABBA business consortium.

It is interesting to note that of the many hundreds who read the most recent critique, fewer than 25% were from the USA. That's understandable, given the fact that, aside from the pre-adolescent teeny-bop crowd, ABBA attained comparatively very little public acceptance in the world's largest popular music market.

Many of the ABBA enthusiasts reacted to my critique with schoolyard taunts questioning the legitimacy of my familial origions or the viability of my mental condition. And some suggested interesting and unusual anatomical feats that I should consider performing on myself.

But a very few put forth, more or less, serious logical attempts to justify the ABBA induction travesty.

Here are several:


One Rudolf Ondrich from Europe wrote:

Hmmmmm. I do get that this is satire, but it is pretty crap.

And ABBA do belong in the HoF based on musical reasons.

There is nothing light and fluffy about the music of ABBA. The Album (1977), Super Trouper (1980) and The Visitors (1981) are all brilliant, well crafted albums. Most people make the assumption ABBA only wrote Mamma Mia or Dancing Queen over and over again, that is simply the most silliest idea one can have about the music of ABBA.

Here is my personal input – In the mid-19th Century the music of the composer Richard Wagner represented a new phase of music, whereas the music of the composer Johannes Brahms was considered much more conservative and old-fashioned. At the time, everyone considered the music of these two men to be totally separate and no one would say they are the same genre, (Old Style Vs New Style), whereas nowadays they are seen under the same umbrella (ie German Romanticism). Could one day Rock Vs Pop become one group of music?

And one anonymous female writer from abroad argued that ABBA were, far from being a female sexploitative glorified pole dancing act, a significant force for feminism and serious social commentary:

One of the many good things about ABBA was that they brought a lot of female viewpoints, previously unheard in music, out into the open, such as in Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! and even in Dancing Queen. The male dominated rock and roll scene up to that time( and even since) had and has an almost exclusively 100% male social viewpoint. As ABBA's career coincided with the Women's Liberation Movement of the 1970's, that makes ABBA a significant social commentator in music.

I guess this is the kind of artistically immortal German Classicism and poignant feminism of which they speak:



So, you see, once again, we silly Americans just don't get it and need the Europeans and 3rd Worlders to enlighten us.

We just couldn't fathom ABBA's profundity and biting social commentary.

No wonder the French think Jerry Lewis is a comedic genius and the Germans think David Hasselhoff is a serious actor and we effete Americans have cruelly overlooked their greatness.

And they also think that soccer is a serious sport.

WLS's Mancow for Cotto = Cubs' Brock for Broglio

A few hours ago WLS 890 AM announced that it would replace super shock-jock, Mancow Muller, with former Moody Bible divinity student and traffic news reader, Cisco Cotto in its 9 to 11 am morning slot.

WLS station manager, Michael Damsky told the Chicago Sun-Times that the move was designed to give the station a more consistent conservative talk sound.

In that he certainly succeeded as the diminutive Bible thumper, Cotto is certainly more consistently dull.

To be sure, WLS thoroughly misused the flamboyant talents of Mancow by pairing him with the wearisome, middle-aged former WBBM-AM newsreader, Pat Cassidy. In fact the odd couple of the Chicago airwaves almost came to actual on-air blows on several occasions during their stormy year and a half together.

Cotto is the darling of the religious right-to-life mavens of the Illinois Review and certainly will provide a predictably conservative lead-in to Rush Limbaugh at 11 am. But Mancow may have provided the most incisive and witty libertarian-conservative critique of the Chicago Way ever to have been heard here. He once almost had leftist Congressperson, Jan Schakowsky in tears.

And with the exception of WGN's Garry Meier and WCPT's Jake Hartford (both of whom also were cut loose by the dour WLS), Mancow was the only genuine funny AM presence in Chicago.

The CST's media critic, Lewis Lazare, wrote that the sacking of Mancow was an attempt by WLS to shore up its flagging ratings among 25 to 54 year old adult listeners.

Oh, yea, this is going to work.

Just as it did for Cubs' General Manager, John Holland who in 1964 set out to shore up the Cubs shaky starting rotation by trading a young left fielder by the name of Lou Brock for an ailing right handed starter by the name of Ernie Broglio.

That season, Brock (whose talents were underutilized by the Cubs, much as Mancow's by WLS) sparked the Cardinals to a World Championship with 20+ steals and a .315 batting average.

That same year, Broglio posted a 4-7 record with a 4.04 ERA for the Cubs who finished a dismal 8th place in the then 10 team NL. He was out of baseball in a year and a half.

Brock, of course, went on to have a stellar career and was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown in 1985.

I trust that Bruce DuMont has Mancow's niche ready at the Radio Hall of Fame at the Museum of Broadcast Communications on North La Salle St., because the nationally syndicated superjock will almost certainly end up there.

And Cisco Cotto can be hired to dust off Mancow's plaque and conduct tours.

Did ABBA Make Kiddie Porn?

Readers of this blog know that I have been waging an energetic campaign against ABBA's election into the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame since the preposterous notion first surfaced. My efforts seemed to have come to naught with the December announcement that the Swedish teeny-bop popsters would be inducted into the 2010 class this coming March.

It seems that the Rock Hall of Fame's chieftain, Rolling Stone's Jan Wenner stacked the deck in ABBA's favor. Seems he thinks that old videos of Agnetha Faltskog wiggling her magnificent Nordic derriere will do more for the induction show's VH-1 ratings than videos of the Moody Blues or Jethro Tull or some other worthy, but as yet uninducted genuine rock band.

The thought of the Euro ear-candy purveyors sharing the same status as John Lennon, Buddy Holly and Chuck Berry is appalling to say the least.

But after exhaustive research, I have unearthed evidence that may forestall this unhappy development. You see, ABBA shamelessly promoted Lolitaism. It actually celebrated the notion of schoolchildren having liaisons with their teachers.

In the weeks leading up to the Who's Superbowl performance, a group of Holy Rollers began protesting Peter Townsend's appearance, citing his 1983 arrest for allegedly downloading child pornography. He was acquitted.

But the Swedish schlockmeisters, ABBA, it turns out, actually thought intimate relations between underaged students and their teachers was cute.

Look at the lyrics to one of their early teeny-bop offerings called, "When I Kissed the Teacher:"

One of these days
Gonna tell him I dream of him every night
One of these days
Gonna show him I care, gonna teach him a lesson alright

I was in a trance when I kissed the teacher
Suddenly I took the chance when I kissed the teacher
Leaning over me, he was trying to explain the laws of geometry
And I couldn't help it, I just had to kiss the teacher

And Agnetha and Anna-Frid really Lolita-ed it up in this old video:



I am calling on the morality police to demand that Jann Wenner rescind his Hall of Fame honors for the purveyors of this outright smut.

And I am calling on the AFT and NEA to denounce this incitement of teachers to engage in conduct that is outlawed by the Illinois Human Rights Act.

That's right. This Act was designed to safeguard us from the horrors of sexual harassment. Among many other things it outlaws "unwelcome advances or conduct of a sexual nature and requests for sexual favors by an executive, faculty member, adminstative staff member or teaching assistant."

The Illinois Department of Human Rights has a whole big bureaucracy in place to enforce this Act and bring down the wrath of God onto the sex-crazed didacts who might violate its spirit.

So it is clear that ABBA in the above video was engaging in the most egregious advocacy of clearly illegal activity.

On that basis alone they are not worthy of the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame.

And also because they were not real rock 'n rollers.

Should Chicago's Jews Apologize for Scott Lee Cohen?

Mickey Cohen was a murderous Jewish gangster during the wild and woolley days of prohibition-era gangster violence.

He suffered a well deserved death by tommy-gun execution at the hands of fellow mobsters.

But if he could be reincarnated and fast-forwarded to 2010 -- he could probably dig up some of his buried cash, use it to run for high public office, be readily embraced by Chicago's Jewish community -- and get elected!!

After all -- doesn't matter who he was -- or what he did -- or who he killed -- just good enough that he has a Jewish name!!!

Much has been made of the fact that in the 6 man race for Illinois Lt. Governor, the Latino candidate, Thomas Michael Castillo, prevailed in the largely Latino communities. He carried heavily Mexican Cicero with 42% of the vote to Turner's 30% and Cohen's 18%.

And it has been mentioned that the 2 black candidates, State Sen. Art Turner and State Rep. Rickey Hendon, cleaned up in the black communities.

In Calumet Township, Turner polled 36% and Hendon 26% with the whites and Latino far behind.

But apparently the strictures of political correctness have constrained the mainstream media from mentioning that Scott Lee Cohen was the wildly overwhelming favorite of Chicago's Jewish community.

He had no experience in politics, no involvement in Chicago's Jewish community -- but he did have a Jewish name.

And he did have the same political consultants, Grainger Terry, who squeaked out a win for Alderman Berny Stone (the landlord's Alderman) last election in Chicago's 50th Ward.

So of the 50 Wards in Chicago -- guess in which one Cohen triumphed overwhelmingly?

In the "Golden Ghetto", Alderman Berny Stone's heavily Jewish 50th Ward. The Democrat Committeeman there is a religiously Orthodox Jew and politically ultra-liberal, State Sen. Ira Silverstein.

There Cohen garnered a full 48% of the vote -- compared to peanuts for the non-Jewish candidates.

And of the 30 Cook County Townships -- in which one do you think pawnbroker Cohen cleaned up?

It was in Niles Township, with its heavy representation of Jewish voters in Skokie, Lincolnwood and Morton Grove. It gave the steroid pumping pawnbroker his #1 Township vote total with 43% for him and scraps for the other five Democrats.

This hasn't been a good 12 months for the Chicago Jewish Community. Many high rollers therin and serious Chicago Jewish philanthropic groups lost a lot of their savings by having put their faith in Berny Madoff, whom the Chicago Jewish News on its front page called, "The World's Worst Jew."

Now the Chicago Jewish community has its knee-jerk ethnocentric Democrat support for Scott Lee Cohen to explain away.

Here's a novel concept -- why not consider not always voting Democrat for a change? Perhaps then, it would broaden the Jewish base of options so that Chicago Jews could vote for ethnically kindred spirits who did not (allegedly) accost prostitutes with knives, abandon their wives and children and engage in the shadiest of entrepreneurial endeavors?

(More on this later in the next post where we assess the Jewish vote in Highland Park and Glencoe for Democrat, high school dropout, pawnbroker, Cohen vs. that for 40year old, Republican, University of Chicago, MD graduate, pediatrician, father of
5, observant Jew and former US Navy Fighter pilot, Dr. Arie Friedman. -- Need I tell you which Jewish candidate Jewish voters preferred there? -- Stay tuned.)

A Chicagoan Looks At Washington D.C.'s Snowtime Comedy Capers

There are precious few endeavors at which Chicagoans can snidely proclaim their superiority. Certainly not in the realms of judicious choice of civic leadership or in professional baseball prowess.

But Chicagoans are pretty good at contending with the snow. God knows they get enough practice. The denizens of Washington D.C. are not.

In fact Washingtonians are laughably inept by our standards.

That is why I have to laugh at the thought of Washington D.C. today having to endure an onslaught of up to 3 feet of snow.

Washington is a Southern city. It was carved out of pieces of Virginia, capitol of General Robert E. Lee's Great Commonwealth and bits of the Southern part of Maryland.

It is crawling with people from the sun drenched Carolinas and Texas and Georgia who work in Congress and the bureaucracies. It is home to thousands of diplomats from such balmy places as Nigeria, Sri Lanka and Brazil.

These people are clueless when it comes to handling snow.

I spent more than a decade in that city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm and I can attest to this.

During my first year there, my Cheesehead Wisconsinite roomate and I were listening to the radio one winter morning before work and the D.C. radio jocks were feverishly going on and on about a "snow emergency." They were rattling off the lists of schools and workplaces that were closed. They were issuing dire warnings to stay huddled inddors, if at all possible.

Then we walked up the stairs of our English Basement apartment into the DC morning to see 3 inches of snow on the ground. 3 inches!!! The Cheesehead immediately laughed and proclaimed: "Snow Emergency???"

DC denizens do not know how to drive in the snow.

Their immediate response to getting stuck in a snow rut is to floor the pedal and create an intractable ice patch in which they then will be truly stuck.

No one apparently ever taught the drivers ed students of Atlanta and Zambia that you do not turn the steering wheel in the opposite direction to correct a skid.

Consequently, the scenic DC Rock Creek Parkway is today, almost certainly resembling the demolition derby event I once witnessed in Elkhart, Wisconsin.

DC denizens do not know how to shovel snow.

Up and down my block in Upper Northwest DC, I would see people trying to clear their sidewalks with brooms and dustpans.

One South Carolina woman I knew in DC tried to eradicate the ice on her front steps by pouring hot water on it!! This in sub freezing temps.

And as for municipal snow removal from the streets -- forget about it. The DC municipal government which is a paragon of inefficiency and ineptitude in the best of times (remember Mayor Marion Barry?) is the municipal equivalent of Moe, Larry and Curly when it comes to street plowing.

Snow will usually have to wait to melt on the sidestreets before DC will ever get around to clearing it.

And DC people apparently don't even know that snowballs are not lethal weapons. This was comically illustrated several weeks ago when a black DC cop was filmed pulling his gun on a bunch of snowball-fighting college kids, because his car had just been hit by a snowball.

But the funniest thing is the response of the Federal bureaucrats to the "snow emergency" announcements.

On days with any snow accumulation, the federal agencies announce that they are closed except for "essential personnel," who are expected to summon up the bravery and pluck of Admiral Byrd of the Arctic and somehow manage to master the elements and come to work.

Since no bureaucrat ever wants to concede that his or her very presence on the job is not absolutely vital to the very life of the Republic, the bureaucracies have extremely low absentee rates when that "snow emergency" announcement is made.

I am not making this up.

Ding Dong The Witch is Dead: RINO Coulson Beaten in GOP Primary

The poster child for liberal Republican RINOism, State Rep. Elizabeth Coulson, was beaten in yesterday's 10th Congressional District primary election to fill the seat held by Cong. Mark Kirk. She had been endorsed by former Governor Jim Edgar and was favored to win. She was beaten by conservative Kenilworth businessman, Bob Dold, who will now face off against perennial candidate, Democrat Dan Seals, in the general election.

Apparently not enough NARAL abortion activists, Sierra Club environmental wackos, multiculturalist mavens, anti-2nd Amendment gun grabbers and general nanny-state enthusiasts could be induced to take a Republican ballot, thereby depriving Coulson of her customary base vote.

Since she was precluded by law from simultaneously running for re-election for her state legislative seat, she is now out of public life.





Ding Dong! The Witch is dead.
Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch!
Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead.

Wake up - sleepy head,
rub your eyes, get out of bed.
Wake up, the Wicked Witch is dead.

She's gone where the goblins go,
Below - below - below.
Yo-ho, let's open up and sing
and ring the bells out.

Ding Dong' the merry-oh,
sing it high, sing it low.

Let them know
The Wicked Witch is dead!


Lyrics by: E. Yip Harburg (Edgar Yipsel H.)
Music by: Harold Arlen (b. Hyman Arluck)
From the Film: The Wizard Of Oz 1939 (M)

The Lampoon 2010 Voter's Guide: Choosing by Anagram

Frankly, I am sick of the campaign season. I am sick of getting pummelled by campaign ads.

Since we can't help but hear them, now we know that Andy McKenna is an "outsider" even tho he was the State Chairman of the Republican Party and his megabucks daddy knows and is shaking down every corporate high roller in the five county Chicago area to pay for those ads.

And we now know that every Republican candidate is going to hold the line on taxes and every Democrat is going to clean up the corruption in Springfield and transform Cook County government into a pristine model of good governance to rival that of the ancient Greek city-states.

We hear that big-spender Elizabeth Coulson has newly discovered the joys of opposing tax hikes and that Toni Preckwinkle will cut her own salary, if elected, even tho she voted 4 times to raise her salary before.

And how is it that all the Lt. Governor and comptroller candidates are now going to become jobs creation czars? Last I heard the job descriptions for those useless posts called respectively for going to funerals in the Governor's absence and putting the right check into the right envelope.

Anyone who believes even of tenth of the campaign blather we're hearing probably was excitedly nodding his head in agreement when the hellish Nixon solemnly declared, "I am not a crook," and when the absurd Jimmy Carter heaved up, "I will never lie to you."

The true believers probably felt Chris Matthew's girlish excitement and leg quivers when Geo. Bush The First somberly pronounced, "Read my lips. No new taxes!!" Or when Obama the Magnificent promised to close Guantanamo no later than Jan. 21, 2010.

But we must vote Tuesday. It is our civic duty -- especially if we ever want the Alderman to give us a new garbage can or to patch a gaping pothole. You see, they keep track.

So as long as we must vote, we might as well have a few laughs.

I say, vote for the candidate who has the funniest name when you rearrange all the letters.

Herewith is the Chicago Lampoon's sample ballot of anagramatic candidate names. If you don't believe me, just check out all the letters and you'll see that they all add up. Vote early and often for the ones that make you bust a gut. You may take this with you into the polling place.

DEMOCRATIC PARTY

U.S. SENATE (Vote for 1)

Alexi Giannoulias --- (Asexual Ani Oiling)
Robert Marshall --- (Rambler Harlots)
Cheryle Jackson --- (Shy Jock Cleaner)
Jacob J. Meister --- (Ejects a Rim Job)
David Hoffman --- (Hid Off Mad Van)

GOVERNOR (Vote for 1)

Pat Quinn --- (Nut Pan Qi)
Daniel W. Hynes --- (Had Nils Weeny)

Congress 10th District (Vote for 1)

Daniel J. Seals --- (A Endless Jail)
Julie Hamos --- (He Jam Oil Us)

REPUBLICAN PARTY

U.S. SENATE (Vote for 1)

Kathleen Thomas --- (Make Health Snot)
Mark Steven Kirk --- (RE: Mark's Vet Kink)
Andy Martin --- (Tinny Drama)
Donald (Don) Lowery --- (Worn Addled Loony)
John Arrington --- (Tinhorn Jargon)
Patrick J. Hughes --- (Chap Her Jugs, Kit)

GOVERNOR (Vote For 1)

Bill Brady --- (Blab Drily)
Kirk W. Dillard --- (Wild Lark, Dirk)
Adam Andrzejewski --- (I Jerk Amazed Wands)
Andy McKenna --- (Damn Any Neck)
Dan Proft --- (Fart Pond)
Jim Ryan ---(In My Jar)

CONGRESS 10th District(Vote For 1)

Arie Friedman --- (Nerdier Mafia)
Paul Hamann --- (Anal Ham Pun)
Dick Green --- (Cinder Keg)
Robert Dold --- (Border Dolt)
Elizabeth Coulson* --- (A Sullen Ethnic Bozo)

*Elizabeth Coulson provides too many wild anagrams to list here including many that would be offensive to children or sensitive readers. So here they are:

(The Ozone Bacillus, Cuties Blazon Hole, A Bullies Hot Cozen, Too Sizeable Lunch, Baize Colon Sleuth, Colonize Able Tush, Absolute Zinc Hole, A Schizo Bone Tulle, The Sizeable Uncool, A Bluenose Loch Zit, Incubates Zoo Hell, A Biz Counsel Helot, A Blueish Clot Zone and many many more.)

The anagramatic analysis of the Cook County Board(Toady Bunco Crook)Presidential candidates is proffered in the preceding post where, on the strength of her anagrams, Toni Preckwinkle (New Pinko Tickler) narrowly edged out Dorothy Brown (Born Rowdy Hot)for endorsement.

Lampoon Endorsements: Cook County Board President

Most newspaper endorsements are fashioned by a process whereby the candidate goes before an austere editorial board, which pummels him or her with finely honed, incisive questions on the important issues confronting the office in question.

I find that boring.

Consequently the Chicago Lampoon will base its endorsements on the far more dependable and interesting system of looking at the candidate's name in anagram and choosing the funniest.

An anagram, of course is the rearrangement of all of the letters in a word so as to make some other word or words.

In the heated Democratic primary race for Cook County Board President the choice is very difficult indeed. All the candidates provide anagramatically amusing constructs.

MWRD President, Terrence J. O'Brien, for instance, becomes Born Cretin Jeer. His letters also translate into Bone Reject in Err. Not bad, but not exactly knee slappers.

Incumbent President Todd Stroger's name spells out Red Dog Trots. That can be funny if you view it in the context of the colloquialistic term that Wisconsinites use for diarrhea, i.e. the trots.

But the ladies in the race offer far better anagramatic possibilities.

County Clerk of Courts, Dorothy Brown's letters heave up Born Rowdy Hot, Horny Bod Wort and Thrown by Odor. Those are pretty good, indeed.

Alderman Toni Preckwinkle, however, narrowly, has her beaten with a wealth of wonderful anagrams: Wet Pinko Clinker, Nice Twinkle Pork, New Pinko Tickler and my personal favorite -- Twin Knocker Pile.

So after long and arduous deliberation, the editorial board of the Chicago Lampoon endorses Toni Preckwinkle for Cook County Board -- or Wet Pinko Clinker for Toady Bunco Crook.

On the Republican side, the choice is considerably easier. We recommend former State Sen. Roger Keats (Rage Stoker or Gators Reek) over Retired Chicago Policeman, John Garrido (Jarring Hood.)

You may take this voters guide with you to the polls.

2010 Miss Sharia Chicago Beauty Contest

While the infidel women shamelessly paraded their near-nakedness at the Miss America Contest in "Sin City" Las Vegas today, these modestly attired Islamic beauties competed in the 1st annual Miss Sharia Chicago pageant. Here, contestants take a break from the competition for a photo-op. The pageant is being held on Western Avenue in Chicago's West Rogers Park, where empty commercial storefronts are being filled by Muslim places of worship at the rate of about 2 a month.

Cook County Dems to Taxpayers: You Pay for Illegal Alien Health Care

All four Democratic candidates for Cook County Board President appeared together this past Sunday in a West Rogers Park forum, moderated by WTTW's Carol Marin.

The event was sponsored by a new group calling itself, "The Rogers Park Organization," and it printed handbills announcing the event on paper which showed the computer signature of the local Alderman, Berny Stone's, campaign organization.

Before a predominately Jewish audience at Temple Menorah on California Ave., the four Democratic hopefuls spouted the predictable political pablum and then answered questions written by the audience and submitted to Marin for review.

Most were about the well publicized scandals surrounding the four.

County Board President, Todd Stroger lamely defended his nepotistic hiring practices saying that he only had two relatives on the County payroll and that he couldn't order them not to take 6 figure county jobs.

Ald. Toni Preckwinkle said that she hadn't taken any more money from shady developer, Tony Rezko, since she found out he was letting his properties run down in her ward.

County Clerk, Dorothy Brown said that funds from her "blue jean day" shakedown of her employees all went to charity.

Water Reclamation Board President, Terry O'Brien said that he had no patronage employees and had no control over the stink that wafts down Birchwood Ave. from his water treatment plant and wondered why Preckwinkle had voted to raise her own pay four times.

With the scandal explanations out of the way, Marin, to her great credit, passed along to them a substantive and seldom asked question.

She asked them: "Do you believe that Cook County taxpayers should be expected to underwrite the costs of non-emergency medical treatment for illegal aliens at Cook County's Stroger Hospital.?"

Without so much as batting an eyelash, all four essentially said yes.

(Are you taking notes, Roger Keats?)

The question is an important one given the Cook county's woeful fiscal situation. It's a salient one given the county's highest in the nation sales taxes and the new 5% property tax increases that county homeowners are now getting in the mail.

Due to the strictures of political correctness and the desire of these four candidates to pander to the Latino vote, it is a seldom asked question.

But it is the 800 pound elephant in the room.

Back in 2007, the chief of Cook County medical services, Dr. Robert Simon, was almost run out of town on a rail when he dared to testify that uncollectable services to illegal aliens were a major cause of the county medical system's budgetary problems.

"The taxpayers are paying the entire bill for all these undocumented aliens and our primary concern should be for the taxpayers and citizens," he told the Daily Southtown.
He said that the county was providing long-term care to nearly 30 illegal aliens at its Oak Forest Hospital facility at a cost of $800 per patient per day.

By my calculations, that alone comes to almost $3 million in services to just these few indigent people, who aren't legitimately even supposed to be in the country.

And immigration control activist, Rosanna Pulido, said at the time that nearly 40% of all services rendered by the Cook county medical system went for the illegal alien population.

But in that same year, 2007, the County Board voted to make Cook a "sanctuary county," meaning that hospital admissions personnel were then precluded from even inquiring as to the legality of one's presence in the country.

So we really can't know how massive the problem may be. But Dr. Simon, the man with day-to-day oversight of the system sure thought it was significant.

So the bottom line is -- anyone, from anywhere on the face of the earth -- if they can just somehow manage to get to 1900 W. Polk in Chicago -- can receive 1st world medical care, courtesy of the taxpayers of Cook County.

It kind of makes Stroger Hospital the new Lourdes of the USA.

Maybe Daley's office of tourism can cash in by promoting it as such and by sponsoring international pilgrimages to this great healing shrine.

And I want the concession for sales of the sacred statues and relics of patron Saints Stroger, Preckwinckle, Brown and O'Brien. I will sell them to the hordes of pilgrims as they get off the bus on Polk Street.

Swilling Rum At The Haitian Embassy

Haiti has been much in the news lately and I felt obliged to add my commentary on the situation because Haiti is one country that has always been close to my heart.

You see, I had the good fortune to have spent some hours at the Haitian Embassy in Washington, D.C. in 1985 swilling rum with members of the Haitian Air Force.

Yes, Haiti had an Air Force. I am not sure why they needed one. Perhaps to deter the acquisitive tendencies of the imperialist Dominican Republic. But they had an Air Force. It only consisted of a few WWII vintage U.S. surplus Mustang fighter planes and some Korean War vintage U.S. surplus helicopters.

But the 5 foot 1 inch tall Haitian Air Force General with whom I got smashed had a really swell uniform, complete with epaulets, gold braid and more medals than the Red Army's Marshall Zhukov.

So one fine summer day, a friend of mine from the international press corps told me that we were invited to a reception at the Haitian embassy and we went.

Haiti was then, as today, the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere but it had a really palatial French-styled greystone townhouse on Washington's chic Embassy Row. And their diplomatic personnel really knew how to throw a party.

I must confess, I really remember very little of that long ago evening other than conversing with the Air Force General in my High School French (altho stationed in the US, he spoke not a word of English.) After the 3rd or 12th fruity rum drink we seemed to have been conversing fluently and generally having an all around swell Caribbean time.

This was all during the waning days of the regime of Baby Doc Duvalier.

Baby Doc was the pudgy son of the black nationalist President Dr. Francois "Papa Doc" Duvalier. Unlike his father, Baby Doc never got an MD, but he did spend a lot of time drinking and chasing skirts.

He inherited the Presidency at age 19 and proceeded to piss off his father's devoted black nationalist constituency by marrying a light-skinned Creole divorcee. So with the country on the verge of yet another coup d'etat, the Reagan administration advised him to quietly leave the country.

So just a few months after this Embassy soiree, the 35 year old, Baby Doc took his hot wife and his suitcases, which were stuffed with U.S dollars and gold bullion and flew off to retirement in Paris.

His hot wife soon divorced him and ran off with much of his cash. He is said to live somewhat modestly in Paris today.

I wonder if he still throws such swell parties.

Republicans Stupidity May Be Overcome in 2010: Russ Stewart Analysis

ANALYSIS & OPINION BY RUSS STEWART

(Russ Stewart (above) is a Chicago attorney and longtime political analyst for the NW Side Nadig newspapers. He regularly appears on WLS-AM's "Political Shootout.")

Contrary to creationists’ insistence that there is “intelligent design” in the origin of the human species, there is no evidence of that phenomenon among Illinois’ Republicans. Because of stupid choices in the 1996 and 1998 senatorial primaries, Republicans unintentionally foisted Dick Durbin and Barack Obama upon America. That’s “unintelligent design.”

However, the upcoming Republican primaries for governor, U.S. Senator and U.S. Representative in the North Shore 10th District are positively Darwinian.
The Republican species is now adapting to the survival of the most electable. The presence or absence of “movement” conservatives in key races is critical. The Feb. 2 winners will be Andy McKenna, Mark Kirk and Bob Dold. Here’s why:

U.S. Senator: Kirk, a bland but credible liberal who supports gun control, abortion choice and gay rights, should be toast in a Republican primary. But he will win. The reason: 2010 is not 1996 or 1998. Beleaguered Republicans want a winner.
Kirk may be another Bob Kustra or Loleta Didrickson. But there is no Al Salvi or Peter Fitzgerald, spending millions of their own dollars, to beat him.

The array of 2010 Republican candidates for Barack Obama’s former seat includes Kirk, a North Shore congressman since 2000, who faces desultory opposition from Hinsdale developer Pat Hughes; retired judge Don Lowery; incendiary blogster Andy Martin, who is attacking Kirk’s sexual orientation; Harvey management consultant John Arrington, who is black; Kathy Thomas, a Springfield school board member; and Bob Zadek, a Rockford realtor.

In 1996, after Paul Simon’s (D) retirement, Republicans were certain they would win his Senate seat. Kustra, then Illinois’ lieutenant governor, was the choice of the Republican establishment, headed by Governor Jim Edgar. Kustra was deemed to be the most electable candidate.

But Kustra was also viewed as a “moderate.” And Salvi, a state representative from Wauconda in western Lake County, spent $1.1 million, positioned himself as a Newt Gingrich-type “revolutionary,” and won an upset by 377,141-342,935 (47.6 percent), a margin of 34,206 votes in a turnout of 791,645. Salvi won 48 of 102 counties, beat Kustra in Cook County by 3,762 votes, and won the collar counties of DuPage, Lake, McHenry, Kane and Will by 129,640-107,283, a margin of 22,257 votes. Downstate, Salvi won by over 8,000 votes. The Republicans’ DNA rejected electability in favor of purity.

In the ensuing election, Democrat Dick Durbin excoriated Salvi as an “extremist,” and crushed him by 2,384,028-1,728,824 (56.1 percent), a margin of 655,204 votes. Now Durbin, the Senate’s majority whip, is poised to become the Democratic majority leader, as Harry Reid’s “light-skinned” comments about Obama will sink his already foundering 2010 re-election chances in Nevada. If Reid loses, Durbin takes over. Had Kustra won in 1996, Durbin would now be a college professor.

In 1998, when accidental incumbent Carol Moseley Braun (D) sought a second term, Republicans had another tempestuous ideological primary: Then-comptroller Didrickson, from the party’s “moderate” Edgar-Kustra wing, faced conservative Peter Fitzgerald, a Palatine state senator. In a replication of 1996, Fitzgerald, the big-spending underdog and outsider, beat Didrickson by 372,916-346,606 (51.8 percent), in a turnout of 719,522. In the election, Fitzgerald defeated Braun by 1,709,041-1,610,496 (50.3 percent), a margin of 98,545 votes.

Fitzgerald was a principled, independent-minded conservative, but he refused to spend five years stockpiling money and frenetically campaigning. After one term, Fitzgerald retired. Had Didrickson been nominated and elected, she would have compiled a liberal record, raised $5 million, and sought a second term in 2004. There would have been no open seat in 2004. Obama may or may not have run, and, if he had, he certainly would not have won by 3,597,456-1,390,690 (69.8 percent). Didrickson, as the incumbent, would have been tough to beat.

Rod Blagojevich acknowledged that recent magazine remarks were “stupid, stupid, stupid.” So, too, have been Republican choices for senator. It can plausibly be argued that, but for the 372,916 Illinois conservatives who backed Fitzgerald in the 1998 primary, Obama would not have become senator in 2004 and president in 2008.
Luckily for Kirk, Hughes is no Salvi or Fitzgerald. Hughes has plenty of issues with which to pummel Kirk, but not enough money. Hughes is ripping Kirk as a “reckless spender,” supporter of cap-and-trade and the bank bailout, and a liberal on social issues and the 2nd Amendment. Kirk, however, opposed to the Obama Administration’s health care initiatives and TARP funding.

For conservative Republicans, Kirk is the tough to swallow. They know he will be an obnoxiously liberal senator, but they’ve learned their lesson. Electing a Democrat like David Hoffman, Alexi Giannoulias or Cheryle Jackson would create another liberal monster.

The magic number for Kirk is 60 percent. Any less would be an embarrassment. A December Chicago Tribune poll put Kirk at 41 percent, Hughes at three percent, and 46 percent undecided. My prediction: Kirk will win with 67 percent.

Governor: It only took one Republican to elect Blagojevich in 2002, and that was corrupt Governor George Ryan. In an oust-every-Republican year, Jim Ryan, then state attorney general, got caught in the undertow, losing to Blagojevich by 1,847,040-1,594,960 (52.2 percent), a margin of 252,080. Blagojevich spent $10 million, carried 35 counties, and won Cook County by 468,974 votes. But it was no landslide.

Now, in 2010, Jim Ryan is back, hoping that “voters’ remorse,” coupled with his residual – and still positive – name recognition, will give him the Republican nomination. His foes are state senators Kirk Dillard and Bill Brady, wealthy businessmen Andy McKenna and Andy Andrzejewski, publicist Dan Proft, and DuPage County Board chairman Bob Schillerstrom.

Republican voters are angry and motivated, opposing any state income tax or spending hike. But no gubernatorial candidate has captured their fancy. The Chicago Tribune poll had Ryan at 26 percent, McKenna at 12, Brady at ten, Dillard at nine, the others all under three percent, and 31 percent undecided. Ryan loses if two-thirds of the “undecideds” break entirely for McKenna, Dillard or Brady; and Ryan wins if one-third breaks for him.

The outlook: Brady got 18.4 percent (135,370 votes) in the 2006 primary, largely from Downstate. He won’t crack 20 percent this time. Dillard’s ads feature Edgar’s endorsement. McKenna is spending $500,000 per week on media, and pledges no tax hike, no spending hike. Proft is calling for a “revolution” in Springfield. Ryan and Dillard do not forswear a possible income tax hike to solve the state’s budget problem. Republican insiders fear Ryan’s “baggage” will make him unelectable.
In the 2002 primary, Ryan, as the “establishment” candidate, won with 410,074 votes (44.7 percent), in a turnout of 917,759. Conservative Pat O’Malley, got 260,860 votes (28.4 percent) and liberal Corrine Wood, got 246,825 votes (26.9 percent). This year, Dillard is the “establishment” choice, but he, Ryan, and Schillerstrom are all from DuPage County, and are splitting DuPage’s 100,000 votes.

McKenna, much like Blagojevich in 2002, is unknown, undefined, and has unlimited money. He and Proft are trying to make themselves the “send-a-message” candidates. Dillard and Brady are the I-can-govern-better candidates. Ryan is running on his resume.

My prediction: McKenna has the greatest potential for growth. Hardcore conservatives will break for him. In a turnout of under 700,000, Ryan and McKenna will finish neck-and-neck: McKenna will get 182,000 votes (26 percent), to Ryan’s 168,000 (24 percent), Dillard’s 133,000 (19 percent), Brady’s 105,000 (15 percent), Proft’s 77,000 (11 percent), Schillerstrom’s 21,000 (3 percent) and Andrzejewski’s 14,000 (2 percent).

And the election will be a replication of 2002: Any competent Republican will beat the Democrat.

10th District: The primary field to succeed Kirk includes State Representative Beth Coulson (R-17), wealthy businessmen Bob Dold and Dick Green, and unknowns Paul Hamann and Arie Friedman. Coulson is liberal on social issues, but fiscally conservative; everybody else is more conservative on all issues. Kirk’s predecessor, John Porter, endorsed Coulson. The early presumption was that, with a plethora of conservatives, Coulson would win.

In 2000, with Porter’s endorsement, Kirk won the primary with 31.4 percent (19,717 votes) in a field of 11 candidates, all less liberal. The turnout was 62,805.
Coalescing anti-Obama hostility with high visibility, Dold has emerged as the “movement” conservative. It’s a two-person race. Coulson’s base is about 40 percent. But more than 75 percent of the conservatives are gravitating to Dold. “He (Dold) is a legitimate, electable alternative” to Coulson, said one Republican insider. My prediction: Dold defeats Coulson by 45 to 40 percent.

Cook County Board President: “I’m campaigning; he’s not. I’m electable; he’s not,” said John Garrido of his opponent, Roger Keats, a former state senator. Garrido, a Northwest Side Chicago police lieutenant has backing from police organizations and area Republicans. Keats has been endorsed by the bulk of Republican ward and township organizations.
The Republican nomination is valueless if Democrats nominate Toni Preckwinkle, but golden if they choose Todd Stroger, Dorothy Brown or Terry O’Brien. My prediction: In a turnout of 110,000, Keats wins with 65 percent.

Cougar Controversy in IL GOP House Race

With the jobless rate hitting 11 per cent, with a widespread fear and loathing of the 9 month effort to craft a socialized medicine scheme and with Obama's approval rating hitting an historic low, the Republican candidates for Congress in the Illinois 12th Congressional District have decided to focus their energies and attention on the all important issue of COUGARS!!!

That's right, cougars -- as in middle aged women who lust after younger men.

The issue was raised by Republican candidate, Theresa Kormos (above right), an eminently somber-looking practical nurse who is from O'Fallon, IL and almost certainly wears sensible shoes

She has accused her opponent in the Republican primary, Tea-Party activist, Teri Davis Newman (above left) of being pro-cougar. She bases this worrisome charge on the fact that in 2008, Ms. Newman entered a competition to be the "Ask a Cougar," advice columnist for the River Front Times, a downstate alternative newspaper, which is much like the Chicago Reader in style and appearance.

Ms. Newman did not win the competition to become the Dear Abby of the downstate doyens of inter-generational dating, but Nurse Kormos said that Newman's pursuit of the job showed "extraordinarily bad judgement."

“I don’t want my potential Congressperson embracing the idea of being a cougar, and I hope the thousands of other people within the 12th Congressional District don’t either,” Nurse Kormos said. “I have been happily married for 30 years," she pointedly added.

"She has the personality of a wet sponge," Newman told a downstate newspaper. "The whole thing is crap-ola. A big bowl of crap-ola," she delicately added.

I have seen a photo of Nurse Kormos and I believe that she is telling the truth when she says she, herself, is no cougar. And she very definitely is no MILF, by any stretch of the imagination.

The two women are vying for the right to oppose 11 term incumbent Democrat Congressman Jerry Costello in what is usually a safe Democratic district which comprises the lower Southwest corner of the state, with East St. Louis and Carbondale as its largest cities.

So far, Costello has not weighed in on the cougar controversy.

Both women are self-described conservative pro-life candidates with Nurse Kormos touting her endorsement by the Illinois Federation for the Right to Life and Newman, a wedding planning consultant, endorsed by the IL Conservative Action Network.

The stunning GOP victory in the Massachusetts Senate race last week has reportedly struck fear into the hearts of a good number of Democrat House and Senate members.

The Dems, at least, can rest easy in the Illinois 12th -- once again, saved by the not-ready-for-prime-time Illinois Republicans.

Chicago Sucks: Some Educated Views

As we endure yet another grey overcast day in the endless Chicago winter, the rosy protestations of Daley and the legions of Chicago boosters as to how this is "a world-class city," and "the greatest city in the world," tend to run a little thin.

Here are the words of some notables who, over time, expressed an eminently less favorable view:

"Chicago is unique. It is the only completely corrupt city in America."
Charles Merriam, unsuccessful mayoral candidate in 1911

"Satan (impatiently) to Newcomer: The trouble with you Chicago people is, that you think you are the best people down here; whereas you are merely the most numerous."
Mark Twain “Pudd’nhead Wilson’s New Calendar,” 1897

"When you feel like tellin a feller to go to the devil — tell him to go to Chicago — it’ll anser every purpose, and is perhaps, a little more expensive."
Mark Twain (”Snodgrass’ Ride on the Railroad”) 1856

"I have struck a city — a real city — and they call it Chicago. . . . I urgently desire never to see it again. It is inhabited by savages."
Rudyard Kipling, 1891

"Germany was the cause of Hitler as much as Chicago is responsible for the Chicago Tribune."
Alexander Woollcott, 1943

"Hell has been described as a pocket edition of Chicago."
Ashley Montagu “The American Way Of Life,” 1967

"Here is the difference between Dante, Milton, and me. They wrote about hell and never saw the place. I wrote about Chicago after looking the town over for years and years."
Carl Sandburg, 1961

"A facade of skyscrapers facing a lake and behind the facade, every type of dubiousness."
E.M. Forster

"There’s only one thing for Chicago to do, and that’s to move to a better neighborhood."
Herman Fetzer

"Chicago — a pompous Milwaukee."
Leonard Louis Levinson

"Loving Chicago is like loving a woman with a broken nose."
Nelson Algren

"Chicago is an October sort of city even in spring."
Nelson Algren, Newsweek, August 13, 1984

"Your machinery is beautiful. Your society people have apologized to me for the envious ridicule with which your newspapers have referred to me. Your newspapers are comic but never amusing. Your Water Tower is a castellated monstrosity with pepperboxes stuck all over it. I am amazed that any people could so abuse Gothic art and make a structure not like a water tower but like a tower of a medieval castle. It should be torn down. It is a shame to spend so much money on buildings with such an unsatisfactory result. Your city looks positively dreary."
Oscar Wilde, February 13, 1882

"I suppose Chicago's a nice enough place, but your weather is just so filthy."
John Cleese

"Chicago is a great place to be from."
Bob Fosse

Indians Exempted From Illinois Smoking Ban

A little known law went into effect on this past New Years Day. that effectively gave an exemption to Indian-Americans so as to allow them to smoke indoors in the course of their tribal rituals.

In other words, while most Native Chicagoans must shiver outside bars and workplaces to grab a quick smoke, so-called, Native Americans can now puff away at leisure indoors, as long as they say they are doing so to commune with the Great Spirit.

This new exemption to the 2008 statewide indoor smoking ban was prompted by one Larry Cooper, a downstate Illinois Chickamuka-Cherokee. As chairman of something called The Standing Bear Council, he lobbied his local State Senator, John Sullivan (D-Rushville) who crafted a bill to exempt the Indians.

This past fall, the measure passed both Houses of the legislature overwhelmingly. Sullivan's bill was vetoed by Governor pro-tem, Pat Quinn, because it was attached to a larger measure, which limited his Gubenatorial powers. The House and Senate handily overrode Quinn's veto. So now the Indians can smoke indoors.

"Tobacco is a sacred herb to Native Americans," Cooper told a downstate newspaper.

I expected to hear howls of protest to the exemption from the Chicago Lung Association and the rest of the clean air crowd. After all, they have banned the paleface from smoking even in such breezy locales as Chicago beaches and Deerfield parks. But so far not a peep.

Is this yet another malicious genocidal machination on the part of the evil European invaders to kill off the Indian peoples thru lung cancer? So far, no word on that possibility either from the ever-vigilant blame-America-firsters, but it could be forthcoming.

Indians on both the North and South American continents have long used tobacco in their tribal rituals. Customarily it is smoked to signify, I am told, a oneness between man and the Great Spirit. The idea is that the smoke that man consumes can then waft up to the Great Spirit himself, who can then enjoy it second-hand.

In North America, tobacco smoking was sometimes something of a fertility ritual, as well, since ceremonial "peace pipes" used by tribes there had a long phallic stem conjoined to a bowl -- you get the picture.

But in South and Central America, Indian tribes, such as the Nicoya of Nicaragua and the Cuna of Colombia, would smoke rolled, cigar-like tobacco in their rites. The latter would pass around cups of intoxicating cooked cocao while smoking.

This sounds to me a lot like what goes on in Chicago bars (or went on -- before the 2008 ban)-- puffing away at cylindrical tobacco products while consuming intoxicating beverages.

So I am announcing the founding of a new sect to worship the Great Spirit in Chicago.

I will be the first Bishop.

Our rituals will begin with the congregation lighting up their cylindical tobacco products so as to commune with the Great Spirit by offering him up our second-hand smoke.

Then, as Bishop, I will go down the ceremonial communion rail (behind which the worshipers are seated on stools) and proffer the faithful, mugs of intoxicating fire-water. I will have ample quantities of this on draft or in bottles.

Then, during the ceremonies, the juke box will play our sacred hymns. For instance, Cherokee People, by Paul Revere and the Raiders. And Now That The Buffalo's Gone, by Buffy Sainte Marie.

And our final hymn to the Great Spirit will be Indian Lake, by the Cowsills.

"At Indian Lake
it is easy to make
the way the Indian do.

CHORUS

(Indian war whooping)"



This will be the exit hymn sung at closing time, which will be promptly at 2 am -- or 5 am, if we pay off the local Alderman to keep our sacred services going longer.

I forgot to mention. There will be an offering of tithes to the Great Spirit and his Bishophric in Chicago, which will be taken up with the proferring of each mug of fire-water.

Perennial Candidate Andy Martin Airs Spots Calling Kirk Homosexual

After almost three decades of involvement in the political realm -- mostly in Chicago -- I thought I had seen and heard just about everything. But this morning, a 30 second political spot which aired on WLS AM during the 8 o'clock hour jolted me out of bed and disabused me of that notion.

In it, perennial candidate, Anthony Martin-Trigona, (aka Andy Martin) accused North suburban GOP Congressman, Mark Kirk, of being a closet homosexual and of being part of a Republican homosexual cabal which covers up for him.

In another first, a WLS announcer read a statement at the conclusion of the paid spot, distancing Citadel Broadcasting from the content of the spot, but pointing out that it was required by law to air it, since Martin is a candidate for U.S. Senator.

I had never heard a station put its own disclaimer after a paid political spot before, but given the veracity of most such paid campaign ads, they might as well keep the tape handy.

In the ad, Martin doesn't come right out and say that Kirk is gay, but rather quotes two well known political operatives as having said so.

"I helped expose many of Barack Obama's lies in 2008," the ad goes. "Today, I am fighting for the facts about Mark Kirk. Illinois Republican leader Jack Roeser says there is a 'solid rumor that Kirk is a homosexual.' Roeser suggests that Kirk is part of a Republican Party homosexual club. Lake County Illinois Republican leader Ray True says Kirk has surrounded himself with homosexuals."

"Mark Kirk should tell Republican voters the truth."

Anyone who has been around political circles long, is painfully aware that political types are bigger gossips and scolds than even members of a small town's ladies sewing circle.

And true to form, fueled by his whirlwind marrige to and divorce from a former political aide, rumors had been flying around in Illinois GOP circles as to Kirk's possible alternative preferences.

This kind of thing has been going on for ages. I once had a little twerp on Capitol Hill tell me that not only was a certain well known U.S. Senator gay, but he also had no testicles. This kind of thing is par for the course among politicos. But I have never before heard of one taking to the airwaves with such raw sewerage.

Andy Martin has been hanging around Chicago since the 70s, when as Anthony Martin-Trigona, he ran several campaigns for Mayor of Chicago and other city offices as an anti-machine, reform Democrat.

He moved down to Florida in the 90s, changed his name to Andy Martin and ran for the Florida State Senate as a Republican in '96. His campaign was marked by a shoving contest that he had with several TV crew members, which resulted in his conviction for criminal mischief. While out on appeal, he was jailed for contempt of court, inadvertantly released early, whereon he hotfooted it back to Chicago. As of last year a criminal warrant remained active for him in that state.

Since then Martin has twice engaged in laughably long-shot runs for the Illinois Republican U.S. Senate nomination. This time he is facing, among others, Kirk, who is the state GOP establishment's favorite. Yet Kirk has engendered strong opposition from conservatives and while a recent Chicago Tribune poll showed him ahead, a very large percentage of the GOP primary electorate remains undecided.

So inveterate political troublemaker and bad boy Martin's bizarre foray onto the airwaves could have an as yet to be determined effect. If Kirk spends time denying the charges, he lends them unwanted exposure. If he keeps mum, they could fester.

Whatever happens, one thing is clear. In what is likely going to be a golden opportunity for a banner year for Republicans, nationwide, the Illinois GOP is clearly intent on showing that it is still not ready for prime time, or as they call it in Daley's 11th Ward -- the stupid party.

Merry Christmas From The Chicago Lampoon

The critic on the left says it all.

Merry Christmas, Everybody!!

Girls Gone Wild -- Naperville's Women Cops Run Amok

A lawsuit was filed in federal court this past week alleging that Naperville female police essentially have been using area citizens as props for their self-aggrandizing appearances on the "Female Forces" reality cop show.

The show which airs in the Bio cable channel, showcases Naperville female cops by following them around in the course of their police work.

According to the court filings, a Woodridge woman, Eran Best, was driving down the street a few doors from her house when she was stopped by the, interestingly-named, male Naperville officer, Timothy Boogerd. (Would you trust a firearm and badge to someone who had to go thru grammer school with a name like that? You know how cruel kids can be, he could be psychically scarred for life.)

Boogerd noticed that Ms. Best had an expired decal on her license plate -- a chicken shit offense at best which was later thrown out of court -- and forced Ms. Best to wait in the cold for 30 minutes as he awaited backup from one officer, Stacy Malec. It seems that Malec was being followed around by the "Female Forces" camera crew that night.

So, Best's lawsuit alleges, Boogerd and Malec played it up for the cameras. They made her stand outside in the February cold while they searched her car. They made her perform a field sobriety test (despite the fact that she had not been stopped for a moving violation.) They then handcuffed her, hauled her off to the station
where, still under the glare of TV cameras, they removed parts of her clothing to search for identifying tatoos.

At the station, Ms Best was approached by an unidentified man who asked her to sign a waiver consenting to use her image for broadcast. Resembling the kind of guy that David Letterman refers to as "Hollywood weasels," he urged her to sign saying it would get out her side of the story. She wisely refused.

So you can imagine her shock some months later when she received calls from family and friends telling her that she was featured in an episode of "Female Forces."

To add insult to egregious Naperville police misconduct, the Naperville female cop, the ever catty, Stacy Malec is shown on camera mocking Ms. Best's blonde hair, Jaguar car and Coach handbag.

"I don't feel sorry for her at all," said devoted Naperville public servant Malec, "Pretty little blonde girl, driving a Jaguar at 25 -- Yea, that's Naperville for you," Malec said.

MEOWWW!!

One wonders if devoted public servant, Ms. Malec is the kind of woman whose taste in off-duty clothing runs to flannel shirts and work boots.

And why are Naperville taxpayers funding people, who essentially, hate them?

So a lawsuit was filed in Federal District Court on the 14th, naming as defendents, Malec, Boogerd, the city of Naperville, the A&E network and the show's production company.

It asserts Civil Rights violations, Publicity Act Violations, intentionial infliction of emotional distress, invasion of privacy, violation of Drivers Privacy Protection act (her drivers license info was shown on camera) and consumer fraud.

The city of Naperville, of course is keeping mum on the whole embarrasing episode.
Except city spokesman, Nadja Lalvani said that the city's involvement was limited to TV crews following their female officers around and it had no involvement in the production.

That may not be true.

Naperville's involvement in this whole unseemly mess was prompted by Naperville Police Sgt., Betsy Bratner Smith. Now hauling down a hefty taxpayer supported pension at the ripe old age of 50, the ever self-promoting Bratner wrote in 2007 that she had contacted friends in Hollywood about involving her Naperville Police department's women in the project.

Bratner Smith, a Western Illinois University dropout, starred in several of the shows herself and said the TV exercise would "show our compassion and dedication."

She wrote in 2007 that Naperville Police Chief David Dial's support of the TV project was "immediate."

The Naperville City Council voted to allow the "Female Forces" production firm to use the Naperville city logo and the NPD insignia.

Naperville mayor George Pradel, himself a former cop, said of the show, "I think it's going to be wonderful. I think it should exemplify what they do in law enforcement."

If what they do in Naperville law enforcement is arrest the people who pay their salaries and bloated pensions, for chicken shit offenses, so that they can then bully and humiliate those very citizens and use them as pawns for their own amusement and self-aggrandizement, you hit the nail right on the head, Mayor Pradel.

But your little outer-Chicago enclave is now becoming a national laughing-stock.

Well -- you wanted publicity -- you're getting it.

Mather HS Little Lobbyists Will Fight Homelessness To The Last Drop of ---- YOUR BLOOD!

In one of the famous 3 Stooges shorts, when the Stooges are confronted by a gang of scary outlaws, Moe gives a pep talk to Curly telling him, "We're going to fight to the last drop of --your blood."

As reported last week by the online Lake Effect News, a group of Mather High School students in something called the honors law program, were whipped up into a frenzy of concern over the plight of Chicago's homeless when they entertained a sob-story speaker from the Alinsky-styled leftist Chicago Coalition for the Homeless.

Concern for the less fortunate is a noble enough endeavor in this Christmas season, and I thought the Mather kids would announce that they would volunteer their time to, perhaps, clean up at a homeless shelter or maybe make sandwiches at a soup kitchen. How quaint of me to think so.

These sophisticates had much loftier notions.

They decided to show their deep personal compassion for the homeless by (I am not making this up) lobbying their State Representative for a 2% increase in the Illinois state income tax to help the homeless.

And so they did just that. They marched into the office of North side, Democrat State Rep. John D'Amico, told them of their deep love and empathy for the poor homeless wretches and demanded that he vote to wring out another 2% from the paychecks of working people in Illinois.

D'Amico gave the budding young Alinskys T-shirts, tote bags, a pat on the back and sent them on their way. He said he would not vote to increase taxes, a novel approach for a Democrat, to say the least.

No doubt, exhausted from this grueling foray into the world of compassionate advocacy, the members of the Mather HS Law Society then departed for their Winter Break, no doubt quite smug in the satisying thought that they had shown their deep care and concern.

But I hear that next semester this loving, kind-hearted troupe is going to tackle the problem of hunger -- by calling for a 3% increase in your income tax.

Oh, Dan Proft Is So Screwed

Dan Proft is a 40-something Northwestern University Graduate. He is currently running for Governor of Illinois and is at 8% in the polls in a 6-way field.

He is the former Editor of the Wm. F. Buckleyite, rightist alternative, Northwestern Review, former campaign manager for the socialist-Republican Northfield, FemiNazi, Elizabeth Coulter, former campaign manager for the ultra, anti-abortionist Catholic conservative Gubenatorial candidate, Pat O'Malley, and former $400k+ a year flack for the Mafiosi-based government of Cicero, Illinois. (This was the home base and political base of Alphonse "Scarface" Capone.) Their Italian Female former Mayor is currently doing time in the Federal Pen for the business-as usual Cicero political hijinx that our friend, Proft, oversaw.

This guy, Proft, has been all over and around the block.

He has been in the pay of socialists, liberals, mainstream legitimate conservatives and Mafia thugs.

What's next for Dan Proft?

A fat PR contract with Al Queieda?

Or perhaps a PR contract pimping for the government of Iran?

He told the people of Cicero that he was all for illegal Mexican immigration.

They have a big illegal Mexican population there and he was pulling down almost a half mil a year from their mafiso government so he had to be an illegal alien pimp there.

But now he is telling Republican Primary voters that he is against illegal immigration.

Oh, Dan Proft is so screwed!!!

I do genuinely like the conservative blather that he puts forth -- but who can actually believe this chameleon guy?

He is a true Chicago blowhard and a genuine Chicago original -- this Dan Proft.

Never a dull moment in the Daley-Capone pseudo-Republic.

Barry Manilow For Rock n Roll Hall of Fame. Why Not?

The Rosemont Theatre will begin its Chicago Winter Schmaltz Extravaganza tomorrow night with a performance by 70s schmaltz-crooner, Barry Manilow, to be followed next month by a one week engagement of the Broadway cast of "Mamma Mia" - a vehicle for the performance of the 70s hits made famous by Euro-schmaltzers, ABBA.

What makes this worthy of note is the fact that the BBC excitedly reported at the break of dawn today that ABBA had just been voted into the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame.

The Swedish pop group will be inducted at the Hall's gala dinner in March.

Having been of the unhappy generation that was subjected to both the Vietnam war and the seemingly endless AM radio bombardment by ABBA and Manilow's ear candy, this is devastating news, indeed. It is perhaps the last straw in collapsing whatever faith our star crossed generation might have had in the concept of ontological justice.

First Westmoreland and Johnson's Vietnam "credibility gap" and now Jann Wenner's Rock n Roll Hall of Fame stretching our credulity to its outer limits.

To put this into context, the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame Foundation was founded in 1983 to honor major contributors to the genre, which it characterized as "chaotic, rebellious and disobedient music."

The first class inducted in 1986: Chuck Berry, Little Richard, Buddy Holly and Elvis Presley, was certainly true to that description.

And look at the inductees as late as 1994: John Lennon, The Grateful Dead, the Animals, Rod Stewart, Elton John, The Band -- all fair enough.

But for the class of 2010: ABBA??

Mamma Mia!

Somehow the nice, predictable bubble gum strains of "Honey,Honey," "Waterloo," "Dancing Queen," and "Super Trouper," seem more than a tad out of place when mentioned in the same breath as Rock n Roll.

And "Bubble Gum," is a well earned pejorative for ABBA's efforts. In the 90's their offerings were revived by a teeny-bopper group called, "The ABBA Teens," who performed to enthusiastic pre-pubescent throngs at such noted hard-core rock venues as EuroDisney.

The ABBA induction seems even more absurd when cast in the light of the fact that many real contributors to the development of the genre have been overlooked: Neil Sedaka and Carole King who were writers and performers of Brill Building fame, the Moody Blues, Chicago, ELO, Yes, Jethro Tull and Emerson, Lake and Palmer and many more far more serious artists.

Jann Wenner of Rolling Stone fame, runs the Foundation and his motivations seem to have a lot to do with cash. VH1 ratings are at stake and old videos of hot young Swedish babes shaking their derrieres will no doubt, draw more viewers than the Moody Blues.

Moreover, a table at the gala induction event can go for as much as $100k. That is a mercenary fact which caused the Sex Pistols to angrily turn down their induction in
'06 and one of the reasons why few past inductees attend the event.

So as long as the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame has degenerated into a money grubbing sham (did I mention that Madonna was inducted in '07?) I would like to nominate Barry Manilow for induction next year.

He is every bit as hard rock as ABBA. And even if his wrinkly old arse is not nearly as hot as Agnetha Faltskog's in her prime, he should easily be able to fill those $100k tables at the gala with throngs of his well-heeled, adoring, 60-something female fans from Long Island and Miami Beach.

So I am asking the spiritually beleaguered members of my generation to start the grass roots groundswell in Chicago at his Rosemont concert tomorrow night:

Barry Manilow for the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame!!!

Why Not???

Ending the Iraq War With Cool Jewelry

I have to admit it. I occasionally listen to WCPT radio. Principally so that you don't have to, but also because the "Chicago's Progressive Talk," offspring of lefty Air America has one genuinely amusing and marginally reasonable program. That is, of course, the offbeat, Saturday morning, "Awake with Jake," which features the acerbic and witty, Jake Hartford, a recent castoff from WLS-AM.

So while listening to that show this morning, I was jolted by a paid advertisement for custom jewelry. It seems that Anne Maxfield, the annoying liberal feminist former radio talker, is now hawking her line of semi-antique necklace creations.

Her paid ad, which airs only on WCPT, pleads with you to buy her jewelry because she is a morally superior fellow leftist.

"When Anne was on with right wingers on an all-sports show, she was thinking about how to end the war in Iraq and about making cool jewelry," says the ad's female announcer.

This is what you might call: making a virtue out of necessity.

Maxfield had a solid gig at behometh WGN radio for more than a decade, last working with fellow liberal, John Williams.

But she succumbed to the siren song of a far bigger paycheck and left WGN to join conservative Mike North at WSCR sports radio. She is a big girl and went into that situation with eyes wide open (and no doubt primarily focused on her bank account.)

She was not a fan favorite of the predominately male SCORE listeners and didn't help her cause by making inane Maoist utterances to the effect that all golf courses should be turned into public parks.

So when the tensions between Maxfield, North and North's audience became untenable, she got the sack. Anyone who has been in broadcasting knows that that is hardly an unusual occurence. Radio talkers, as a rule, have less job security and longevity than Tiger Woods' mistresses.

But now, the liberal sheep listeners of WCPT are being urged to show their "progressive" colors by shelling out upwards of $100 for Maxfield's necklace creations. Some of the necklaces, the ad tells us, are also suitable for men, a fact that will be certain to get her items stocked at the more esoteric boutiques around Clark and Diversey.

I went to her website, http://www.circa1856.com and must admit that some of the creations were, indeed interesting. They are essentially historically colorful old watch fobs from the Civil War era onward, that she has transformed into necklaces.

I particularly liked the one with the hunter theme, which shows a sportsman blasting away with his rifle.

I wonder how Anne explains that one away to the sensitive "friends of Bambi" who listen to WCPT.

Milty We Hardly Knew Ye

Milton J. Sumption announced this past week that he was withdrawing his candidacy for Congress in the North Suburban Illinois 10th Congressional district.


If you are scratching your head and saying, "Who?," you are not alone.

Milt Sumption is a 40-something resident of Lake Bluff, who briefly had a low level job in Senator Tom Daschle's office in the 90's, then made a small fortune as an investment banker on Wall Street, got out just before the crash and decided to buy a pricey home on the North Shore and run for public office.

As often the case with overacheiving business types, he declined to start with something modest like school board or even the county Board, but reckoned that only his rapier intellect could save the rubes of Mark Kirk's district from themselves. So he jumped right in to run for the U.S. Congress.

A fellow has to start somewhere, why not the top?

But after spending a few grand to get on the ballot and accosting voters door-to-door in his posh neighborhood, Milt came to the sad realization that he had no name recognition, no base and not a snowball's chance in hell against the relatively veteran Dems, State Rep. Julie Hamos and perennial candidate, Dan Seals.

At least Milty had the good sense to pull the plug on his 3 month campaign whimsy before a bevy of political consultants could milk his hubris for all it was worth.

But that hasn't always been the case in Illinois.

10 years ago, the 30-something scion of the R.R.Donnelly telephone book fortune, Shawn Donnelly, decided that her massive experience as political affairs director of the family business made her the obvious choice to succeed outgoing 10th district Congressman, John Porter.

She spent several million of her inheritance on that Quixotic whim. In garnering a 4th place GOP primary finish, her chief contribution to the political heritage of the district seems to have been the invention of enormous, billboard-sized lawn signs, that have since been outlawed by many municipalities.

And then there was John Cox. A Glenview lawyer, he made a bundle in acquisitions and mergers during the go-go 80s and decided that he should then devote his formidable energies and newfound cash toward saving the people of the 10th CD. With no political or civic resume to speak of, he dropped a bundle on the race, but alas, he too was an also ran in that 2000 GOP Congressional primary.

Undaunted, Cox, however, reasoned that his problem was that he was wasting his time on too small a challenge. So he decided to drop another few mil in a 2002 bid for the U.S. Senate.

A paltry 3rd place showing there only served to convince him that his sights were still too low. So he began pouring his money into a laughable 2008 campaign for President (of the United States.)

In accord with his pattern of losing and then running for the next higher office, word is that he is now testing the waters for a bid for UN Secretary-General.

And then, of course there was Blair Hull.

He got his seed money as a high stakes Las Vegas blackjack player. He parlayed that stake into a fortune made gambling on the Chicago Board of Options Exchange.

He then sold the business to Salomon Bros. and set his sights on the 2004 U.S. Senate race.

He had a successful quasi-scientific system in Vegas and boasted that he had come up with a "surefire algorithim for winning campaigns."

Apparently his $40 million campaign warchest and his scientific formula didn't predict the Chicago Tribune's yellow journalistic efforts which unearthed the nasty private details of his divorce and it was all for naught.

But there will no doubt be many future megabucks candidates who will arm themselves with the delusion that their business success (or huge inheritances)will be quite enough to secure for them high public office.

To steal a line from Paul McCartney's Lady Madonna:

"See how they run!!"

Chicago's Affirmative Action Queen in DC Dustup

If ever there was a poster child for the Affirmative Action racial spoils system, it is Chicago's own Desiree Rogers.

She's well known around here. But she is now getting national attention for being the Obama social secretary who decided to play Belle of the Ball rather than do the dreary work of checking off names of invited guests at the door at the recent White House State dinner. You know -- the things that a White House social secretary is supposed to do.

The fetching, designer dress-bedecked, Desiree decided to sit down to dine and schmooze with the luminaries at the event at which she was supposed to be working.

And as the Creole Queen's bad luck would have it, that would be the night when two inveterate goofballs from suburban Virginia would make international headlines by successfully crashing the party.

Ms. Rogers became a multimillionaire in her forties by parlaying an affirmative action admission to the Harvard business school into a series of high profile, astronomically overpaid, affirmative action PR jobs in the Chicago public and semi-public sectors.

Ever the RINO Republican, Governor Jim Edgar tapped the future Obamaite fashionplate to head up his Illinois State Lottery. She was a delegate to the 1992 Republican National Convention, back then. But she readily shed the GOP affiliation upon marrying a basketball buddy of Michelle Obama's brother.

She then snared plush PR gigs with Peoples Gas and Allstate Insurance. And the light skinned, former 1988 "Zulu Social Aid and Pleasure Club" (yes that is a real group in New Orleans) Parade Queen, was invited to paying posts on the Boards of Blue Cross-Blue Shield, Chicago's Lincoln Park Zoo, the Chicago Museum of Science and Industry and the Chicago Museum of Modern Art (on which she led a protest calling for more Affirmative Action minority board members.)

Her friend Obama, then invited her to Washington to head up the social secretary's office.

But apparently, no one told Desiree that it was an actual job with real responsibilities and not an invitation to just party till you drop on the DC social whirl.

So now, the Chicago Affirmative Action Queen is dodging Congressional demands that she explain the recent White House state dinner security lapse. She's being shielded by the White House Press Secretary from nasty inquiries from reporters. And her fun-loving negligence has caused the suspension of 3 Secret Service Agents.

Looks like Washington, D.C. is not turning out to be the never ending wild party scene that party girl Desiree Rogers envisioned.

Todd Stroger's Marvelously Blissful Ignorance

In the wake of the vote by the Cook County Board to partially roll back his sales tax hike, Board President, Todd Stroger, made the rounds of the airwaves this morning. And while casually chatting with Don Wade and Roma on WLS-AM, he made the amazing revelations that:

1. He did not watch or listen to Obama's major speech on Afghanistan last night, because "he doesn't ever have time to watch TV."

2. He never reads Chicago newspapers because, "they are all biased against me, and besides, they have gone up in price by 50 cents."

3. He never uses the internet as a source of news and information because,"I have people to do that for me."

4. He gets all of his news from a "clipping service."

YIKES!

He also said that he didn't know what Obama's speech was about, and when told that it was about the future conduct of the war in Afghanistan, he said that he was too busy with managing Cook County to worry about Afghanistan.

Now this is the chief executive of the second largest county government in the country -- an entity with a $3 billion annual budget, larger than all but 6 states --and he doesn't even read a newspaper or monitor electronic sources of news!

He did admit that he would occasionally watch television, but it was usually only to catch reruns of "The Nanny" around midnight.

Anyone else think that maybe the Toddling could himself benefit from the care and guidance of a stern nanny?

And just who were the people who actually voted for this clown over Tony Peraica in the election of 2006?

Oh well, ignorance is bliss.