Saturday, January 30, 2010

Lampoon Endorsements: Cook County Board President

Most newspaper endorsements are fashioned by a process whereby the candidate goes before an austere editorial board, which pummels him or her with finely honed, incisive questions on the important issues confronting the office in question.

I find that boring.

Consequently the Chicago Lampoon will base its endorsements on the far more dependable and interesting system of looking at the candidate's name in anagram and choosing the funniest.

An anagram, of course is the rearrangement of all of the letters in a word so as to make some other word or words.

In the heated Democratic primary race for Cook County Board President the choice is very difficult indeed. All the candidates provide anagramatically amusing constructs.

MWRD President, Terrence J. O'Brien, for instance, becomes Born Cretin Jeer. His letters also translate into Bone Reject in Err. Not bad, but not exactly knee slappers.

Incumbent President Todd Stroger's name spells out Red Dog Trots. That can be funny if you view it in the context of the colloquialistic term that Wisconsinites use for diarrhea, i.e. the trots.

But the ladies in the race offer far better anagramatic possibilities.

County Clerk of Courts, Dorothy Brown's letters heave up Born Rowdy Hot, Horny Bod Wort and Thrown by Odor. Those are pretty good, indeed.

Alderman Toni Preckwinkle, however, narrowly, has her beaten with a wealth of wonderful anagrams: Wet Pinko Clinker, Nice Twinkle Pork, New Pinko Tickler and my personal favorite -- Twin Knocker Pile.

So after long and arduous deliberation, the editorial board of the Chicago Lampoon endorses Toni Preckwinkle for Cook County Board -- or Wet Pinko Clinker for Toady Bunco Crook.

On the Republican side, the choice is considerably easier. We recommend former State Sen. Roger Keats (Rage Stoker or Gators Reek) over Retired Chicago Policeman, John Garrido (Jarring Hood.)

You may take this voters guide with you to the polls.

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Comments invited, however anonymous commentors had better deal directly with the issues raised and avoid ad hominem drivel. As for Teachers' Union seminar writers -- forget about it.