Monday, March 29, 2010

Daddy's Little Girl Anointed For Dem Lt. Gov Slot

With today's news that Accidental Governor, Pat Quinn, has anointed former Sen. Paul Simon's daughter, Sheila, to be his running mate, I began to ponder the plethora of Democrat political dynasties in Illinois.

The Democrats in the state and Chicago in particular seem to have more political dynasties than medieval China or pre-1914 monarchic Europe.

First Mayor Richard J. Daley begat Mayor Richie Daley and Cook County Commissioner John Daley.

And Cook County Bd. President John Stroger begat Cook County Bd. President Todd Stroger.

Illinois House Speaker Mike Madigan begat Illlinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan and Chicago Congressman Bill Lipinski begat Chicago Congressman Dan Lipinski.

And of course Jesse Jackson Sr. begat Chicago Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. who married Chicago Alderman Sandi Jackson.

And Cook County Assessor Parky Cullerton begat State Senator John Cullerton.

And powerhouse Chicago Alderman, Dick Mell begat State Rep. Debra Mell and former IL First Lady Patti Mell Blagojevich.

And Illinois Senate President Tom Hynes begat Illinois State Comptroller Dan Hynes.

Try as I might, I could think of no such phenomenon on the Republican side hereabouts.

Wonder why that is?

Now we might have yet a second Daddy's little girl holding a statewide constitutional office.

But hey, this is Chicago.

It's all in the family.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Combat Child Obesity With "Start Smoking Clinics"

Led by First Lady, Michelle Obama, the uplifters have of late uncovered a new Cause: child obesity.

The yawping bugaboo chasers have been shedding oceans of crocodile tears over the fact that American children are too fat. And they come forth now with enlightened schemes for substituting celery and broccoli for nachos in America's school cafeterias.

Anyone who has ever been in a school cafeteria knows that it is only a matter of days before the little savages will begin hurling celery stalks and broccoli buds at each other. The phenomena will probably reach such a crisis point as to inspire the zero tolerance scholastic pecksniffs to define vegetable abuse as a hate crime and cart the miscreants off to the local hoosegow.

The solution to the child obesity problem is so patently obvious that I thought it would be apparent to even a Congressman.

We simply have to encourage child tobacco consumption.

Since the American Indians first turned on Sir Walter Raleigh, tobacco has been universally recognized as an appetite inhibitant. At least 80% of adults who quit smoking suffer significant weight gain.

I addition, tobacco consumption has been measured to enhance alertness, relieve stress and ease the digestive processes.

Think of the benefits to the legions of listless Attention Deficit Disorder sufferers and the savings in psychotropic drug costs.

We must not only allow our children to smoke, but must take the steps necessary to encourage responsible tobacco use.

Accordingly, I am announcing my new scheme to open a network of "Franklin D. Roosevelt Start Smoking Clinics."

I thought that in this new enlightened era of Social Democrat prominence, it would only be fitting to honor FDR in this way. The architect of the New Deal was seldom seen without a cigarette in his mouth. At his press conferences he used to joke about
his favorite Murad and Camel cigarettes.

And so, at our clinics, we will teach the kids the proper way to light, inhale and extinguish their butts. I think we will start them out on Camel straights -- no use in starting out with halfway measures -- and if they feel like moving on later to more tasty Newports or more chic Virginia Slims, that's their business.

This is hardly a novel concept.

Well into the 1970s, the prestigious Loyola Academy in Wilmette, afforded its Seniors the luxury of their own smoking lounge.

It was a respected rite de passage and Loyola not only had among the highest SAT scores in the region, but one seldon saw any fat men there.

So I say, let's go ahead with the "FDR Start Smoking Clinics."

I have already had my grant writer contact the Phillip Morris Foundation for start up money. And I will be franchising out the idea.


Monday, March 15, 2010

The Ides of March: A Chicago Original

The Ides of March were a Chicago garage band from the mid sixties who made good -- sort of.

Back in the era when radio stations were owned locally, rather than by distant conglomerates, they became regional favorites performing at a number of the old "sock hop" styled venues in the city and suburbs. WCFL and WLS -- the 2 main pop stations at the time, began to play their discs and they went to the top of the Chicago charts with several of them.

But they never seemed to be able to get the same radio exposure in other parts of the country, until they broke thru with their 1970 hit, "Vehicle."

They still play the oldies circuit locally.

The "Ides of March," a Chicago original -- appropriate to be recalled and celebrated today.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Memo to Dick Durbin: Santo Knew How to Handle Bunning

With U.S. Senator and Hall of Fame Hurler, Jim Bunning today tieing up Illinois Senator Dick Durbin in parliamentary knots on the Senate floor, we can take solace in the knowlege that at least one Chicagoan knew how to handle the Kentuckian:

Cubs Beat Bunning on Santo's 3 Run Blast

June 23, 1969

Ron Santo’s 3-run blast powered the Cubs over Jim Bunning and the Pirates at Wrigley. Bill Hands went the distance to improve his record to 7-6.

Cubs 3, Pirates 2. W: Hands (7-6) L: Bunning (6-5)