Monday, September 26, 2011

Evanston Cops Beat Bushes For Teen Potheads-NU Student Mugged At Gunpoint

To combat its burgeoning crime rate, Evanston has begun putting walking beat cops on the streets. They can be regularly seen in the downtown commercial district but I didn't know they were out beating the bushes along the sewerage canal on the North suburban city's West side.

Word comes on page 2 of last Friday's edition of the Daily Northwestern (The Big-10's first all girl newspaper) that 2 Evanston cops were on foot patrol last Tuesday at 5pm traversing a path in the weeds along the Peter Jans golf course.

There, along the sewerage canal they spied 2 teen age miscreants sitting on a bridge and smoking a yellow bong.
Crack EPD Wilderness Trackers
nabbed Teen potheads

The EPD Daniel Boone wilderness trackers nabbed the fiends, confiscated the bong and a green organic substance which tested positive for cannibis, and carted these vicious desparados off to the Evanston hoosegow.

All in an Evanston lawman's day's work.

Meanwhile word comes from WLS radio news of the first armed mugging of a Northwestern student of the fall semester.Barely had the orientation guides finished herding around the gaggles of incoming freshmen in their geeky green "Class of 2015" t-shirts, than the local Evanston toughs were resuming their annual open season on Northwestern students.

At 12:15 on Sunday morning, two black men in their 20s found a stray Northwestern student sauntering on Orrington near Simpson St. They put the NU kid in a headlock and pulled a gun on him demanding his wallet. When he said he didn't have his wallet, they pistol-whipped him, shoved him to the ground and drove off.
Evanston's hate crimestoppers in action

Evanston police say they are investigating and Northwestern University has issued its predictable student security alert.

Meanwhile the Evanston City Council has stepped up its anti crime regimen by 1) outlawing Tilted Kilt sexy bars, lest libidinous middle aged conventioneers begin accosting Evanston's maidens in the streets 2) declaring war on plastic bag litterers by considering a city-wide ban on all grocery store bags , 3)reaffirming the city's status as a "Nuclear Free Zone" and 4) sponsoring its annual 5k run against "hate crimes."

So the moral of the story is if you find yourself with an uncontrollable urge to stoke up a blunt while in Evanston, be sure to do it in the weeds on the Skokie side of the sewerage canal and if you must travel to Evanston be sure to bring your own recyclable shopping bag --- and a bullet-proof vest.


  1. Good grief. So, they're not going to go after people who commit REAL crime, something that might like, you know, require them to do their jobs, but instead they're going to bully the 2 idiots minding their own business and smoking pot.

    I am not for legalized drugs, but I AM for cops going after real criminals. I would mark this Evanston effort with a FAIL.

  2. The Northwestern Daily said that the Evanston cops are now doing a major investigation into some anti-immigration graffiti under a bridge. That is a thought crime. Meanwhile another kid was mugged and $250 taken from him.


Comments invited, however anonymous commentors had better deal directly with the issues raised and avoid ad hominem drivel. As for Teachers' Union seminar writers -- forget about it.