Sunday, March 10, 2013

From Handel to Ellie Goulding: The Sad Musical Decline of The British Royals

Ellie Goulding was the musical command performer at
the Prince William/Kate Middleton wedding reception
Britisher Ellie Goulding has sold a lot of records and for the life of us, we cannot figure out why.

She can barely sing and she seems to delight in employing a sound that at times can only be described as a shriek.

This girl is truly annoying and her commercial success is a living testament to the fact that these are truly vacuous times in which we live.

But to top this off, word now reaches us that when the heir apparent to the British throne, Diana's son Prince William, tied the knot with the steely-eyed but gorgeous Kate Middleton in April of 2011, this aphonic abomination supplied the music.

Ellie Goulding was invited (or I guess they command over there) by the dynastic duo to be to be the sole musical contributor to their  private wedding reception held at Buckingham palace.

George Freidrich Handel composed the
immortal Water Music for King George I
There Goulding heaved up a cacophonous version of Elton John's Your Song (to which the young royals danced their first dance) which she followed by shrieking out her hit song Starry Eyed.

Now this tells us that the British monarchy is not just in decline, but is spiraling into the abyss at the speed of a Harrier jump jet.

To put this in perspective, previous British Royal courts (under Queen Anne and King George I) commanded the musical efforts of no less a musical personage for the ages than George Frideric Handel.

And now they are reduced to boogeying to the caterwauling cacophony of this pink haired strumpet.

Oh how the mighty have fallen!

These are wicked times in which we live.

Here Ellie Goulding heaves up Elton John's "Your Song" This reached #2 on the charts in the UK and she actually performed this at the wedding reception for Prince William and his photogenic bride's first dance. Pay special attention to the shrieking near the end:

Here is Ellie Goulding's "Starry Eyed" It was a big hit in the UK and was performed for the Royal newlyweds. It is truly awful:

Several centuries back, when the sun never set on the British Empire, the British monarchs could exclusively command the musical endeavors of the immortal German composer, George Friedrich Handel. Here is Handel's Water Music, written expressly for King George I:


  1. A voice is like an instrument, they all can be played to match how the user wishes it to sound in within paramiters of a song. To say she has no tallent is intirely of opinion. When distortion became a thing with guitars it wasn't accepted for a while. Open your mind to the fact that things wont always be your way.

    1. Yea, and the recording of dogs barking out "Jingle Bells" became a big hit too. I'll bet it holds an honored spot in your record collection.


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