English Global-Warming Student Mauled, Eaten By Bear

British Global-Warming Student Horatio Chapple:
Eaten By Polar Bear

Sooner or later we're all going to have to contemplate our inevitable date with the grim reaper.

Given the few short decades given us to walk this vale of tears, one can hope that when the time comes, it will be peaceful -- perhaps painless -- maybe even meaningful --- but certainly not ridiculous.

That has unfortunately become the sad plight of an ever-increasing number of ideologues of the left, so drunk on their own snake oil as to become a cause for horse laughs on the occasion of their passing.

My all-time favorite in this category was the immortal health food crackpot, Jerome Rodale. He was felled by a gripper (see Chicago Lampoon 4/22/10) before Dick Cavett's live studio audience, minutes after boasting that he would live to be 100 due to his interesting diet of wild nuts and tree bark.

And then there was the animal-loving Ms. Frances Frost, a self-described "environmental dancer" of Canmore, Canada.
After her pet dog was killed by a wild cougar on her property, she refused to allow hunters permission to seek out the blood-thirsty beast and shoot it.

Weeks later, Ms. Frost danced her last eco-friendly tango, as the self-same kitty cat stalked, mauled and killed her.

But now comes sad news from Northern Europe of the nature-loving student who was eaten by a bear while on a school field trip to study "man-made global warming."

It seems that, caught up in a frenzy of excitement over the global warming flapdoodle, a group of 5 British students went off to the isolated Norwegian isle of Spitsbergen to conduct their own studies (replete, no doubt, with falsified data and faked e-mails.)

While communing with nature there, these nature-worshipping Brits ran into a bear. He did not take kindly to nature lovers invading his natural habitat, so naturally, he attacked them.

Hungry  Norwegian

Four of the young scholars narrowly escaped with their lives, but one, Horatio Chapple, 17, was killed. When his remains were recovered, it seems that the bear had decided that young Master Chapple would make the perfect filling lunch for a cold Nordic day.

So now, young Chapple has entered the never-ending cycle of nature by way of the bear's digestive system. On the bright side, however, at least his carbon footprint  has been reduced to a very sustainable, zero.

I'd be willing to bet a steak dinner at Chicago's famed Gibson's Steakhouse that these five British lads were devoted, holier-than-thou vegetarians.

Too bad the bear wasn't.

If You liked Upchuck Percy, You'll Just Love Mark Kirk

One of the most selfless things that I can ever recall having been done by the usually selfishly self-preserving Members of the US Congress, during my time working there, was done by the great patriot, US Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina.

When the Republicans took control of the US Senate as a consequence of the Reagan landslide win over Democrat Jimma "the peanut" Carter in 1980, Republicans had to decide who would chair the various Senate committees, with all the power that that entails.

Senator Helms, by virtue of his seniority, had his choice of chairing either the Senate Agriculture Committee or the Senate Foreign Relations Committee.

Customarily, the Agriculture Committee is a choice plum, especially if you come from a highly agricultural state as was Helm's North Carolina, with its heavy concentration of tobacco farmers.

The Foreign Relations Committee is generally considered something of a backwash committee -- very powerful in its impact on the course of the Republic -- but not one whose decisions are highly valued by voters back home.

Senator Helms, after great agonizing, decided to forgo the politically useful Agriculture Committee in order to save the Republic from the dreadful prospect of the Foreign Relations Committee being chaired by the extremely internationalist, Soviet-appeasing, liberal Republican Senator from Kenilworth, Illinois, Charles Percy.

Mark Kirk, a product of Percy's same New Trier Township Republican Organization seems to be walking right in Percy's footsteps.

Kirk was one of only 8 GOP Members of Congress to vote for Obama's wild new "Cap & Trade," taxation scheme.

In a manner reminescent of Percy's frantically desperate run for cover ("I'm sorry -- Now I've got the message") just before his 1984 electoral loss, when Illinois conservatives abandoned Percy in droves as payback for his years of spitting in their faces, Kirk yesterday commandeered the email lists of the Republican organizations in his 10th Congressional district to send out an pathetically lame, poorly drafted, rationale for his apostate support for the Grand High Church of "global warming."

Kirk says that the new Obama tax scheme, which Obama overtly said will raise all electricity and oil costs to US businesses and consumers, is good because it will enable us not to buy oil from Communist Venezuelan strongman, Hugo Chavez.

Oh please!! How gullible does Kirk think Illinois conservatives are?

The Kirk-Obama cap n' trade, Stalinist power grab will cause untold hardship for Americans -- loss of jobs -- a wildly diminished standard of living -- a massive transfer of individual personal liberty to government apparatchicks.

Look for the usual Illinois Republican suspects to be telling you down the road that Kirk may be bad -- but at least he's better than Roland Burris.

I've heard that line once too often.

I did not vote for Upchuck Percy in 1984 and I will under no circumstances vote for liberal goo-brain, Kirk for US Senate in 2010.