Ronnie Woo-Woo to Boycott Arizona All-Star Game

The Chicago Tribune reported today that Ozzie Guillen, skipper of the .412 White Sox who are 6 games below .500 and 8 games out of 1st place, said that, if somehow invited, he would not attend the 2011 All Star game in Phoenix due to that state's decision to crack down on illegal immigrants.

(Odd that the Venezuelan-born Guillen didn't express the same moral outrage over Venezuelan Socialist dictator, Hugo Chavez's persecution of political opponents and outright closure of 6 TV stations that were critical of his regime. But I guess Ozzie is too busy Twittering to take on every Great Cause.)

And in other breaking news, Cubs backup catcher, Koyie Hill, currently hitting a meaty .214 and Cubs ace reliever, Jeff Samardjia (ERA 18.90) also announced that under absolutely no circumstances would they accept an invitation to the All-Star Game if it were held in hellish Arizona.

But most disappointing, was the pronouncement by Chicago legend and Cubs mascot, Ronnie Woo-Woo Wickers, that he would be boycotting the 2011 Arizona All-Star game in solidarity with the illegal aliens of "sanctuary city" Chicago.

This is sure to break the back of the Arizona state law.

Woo-Woo explained his position in an impromptu news conference held outside Wrigley Field after yesterday's game. Mr. Woo-Woo was joined by Highland Park High School Asst. Superintendent, Suzan Hebson, the $206,000 a year bureaucrat who yesterday put the kibosh on her girls' basketball players' effort to attend a tournament in Arizona.

Q: Why are you taking this drastic measure, Ronnie?

Woo-Woo: Amnesty WOO! Illegal WOO! Aliens WOO!

Q: But don't the people of Arizona have a right to decide to enforce the laws of the United States?

Woo-Woo: One WOO! World WOO! Open WOO! Borders WOO!

Q: Under what circumstances would you reconsider your decision to boycott, Ronnie?

Woo-Woo: Sanctuary WOO! City WOO! Phoenix WOO! Mesa WOO! Free WOO! Healthcare WOO! Education WOO! Social Services WOO! for WOO Illegal WOO! Aliens WOO! WOOOOOO!

Joshua Hoyt, director of the illegal alien lobby group, IL Coalition for Immigrant and Refugee Rights expressed satisfaction at Ronnie Woo-Woo's "keen grasp of the issues and unique way of articulating them." He said that his group will be wheeling out Ronnie as a featured speaker at future immigrant rights rallies.

Highland Park H.S. Scraps Residency Requirements

By now most have heard that Highland Park High School will not permit its championship girls basketball team to travel to Arizona for a tournament.

The girls had reportedly spent months selling cookies to raise funds for the trip, only to have an ideological warrior, Assistant District 113 Superintendent, Suzan Hebson, veto the trip.

Hebson,said that the new Arizona law intended to enforce U.S. residency laws in light of an onslaught of illegal alien settlement there, "would not be aligned with our beliefs and values."

Ms. Hebson is paid $206,319 a year to issue such profound pronunciamentos according to the Family Taxpayers Network teachers salaries report (see it here under the "Top 200 salaries" category: http://www.familytaxpayers.org/salary.php

Usually, when such morally superior uplifters as Suzan Hebson issue forth such ukases, there is a hypocrisy to be found nearby.

Such as with the 40% of Chicago Public School Teachers who sing the praises of the CPS system, yet send their own children to private schools. Or with such pro-public education luminaries as Barack Obama and Jesse Jackson, who conveniently send their children to posh and exclusive Sidwell Friends and St. Johns Academy respectively.

But I am happy to report that Suzan Hebson's Highland Park High School is true to its values.

After encountering a flurry of criticism on the morning radio talk shows and in the blogosphere, the ever-consistent Ms. Hebson announced that hereafter, Highland Park High School would not require proof of legal residency in Highland Park or elsewhere in District 113. Consequently anyone in the world who so chooses, will now be able to get a first class high-dollar education, courtesy of the enlightened, liberal taxpayers of Highland Park.

"We are not going to be like the benighted yahoos of Arizona," Asst. Supt. Hebson said. "There is no such thing as an illegal student. We are citizens of the world and all are welcome here," she pontificated.

Asked how District 113 would pay for a massive influx of new students, Hebson said that she would personally take a $150,000 annual pay cut and expected other members of her staff to do likewise.

"And if that is not enough, I'm sure the homeowners of the Highland Park area will enthusiastically embrace higher property taxes to make up any shortfall," Hebson said.

Hebson said that she was conferring with Highland Park mayor, Michael Belsky, about broadening the initiative to do away with residency requirements for the city's beaches and public library.

"We are going to be the first city on the face of the planet to truly obliterate meaningless distinctions of geographic residency," Hebson enthused.

To enroll your children at Highland Park High School for the coming year, call 224-765-1000.

Ask for Suzan Hebson.