Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Free Redeye Home Delivery: The Perfect Conversation Starter

Sagacious reader, RJP, of Chicago recently wrote in commending us on our August 17th column lampooning the Tribune Corp's Redeye newspaper for dummies.
"I not only get all my news from Redeye,
but I even get it delivered to my door"

Seems she is red-faced because she somehow inadvertently subscribed to home delivery of the Redeye many years ago.

 RJP believes that she is now, quite possibly, the only person in Chicago who actually has the stupid thing delivered and as each new Redeye piles up on her doorstep, it reminds her daily that she forgot, once again, to cancel the damned thing.

She says that she never reads the thing, has stopped doing the sudoku puzzles and just having it around makes her feel like her IQ is oozing away.

We were not aware that the cheesy throwaway free paper was actually delivered, but now that we are, we're going to sign right up.

What a magnificent conversation starter this could be!

Just imagine yourself at one of the trendy pickup bars the Redeye is endlessly touting-- the ones with the $15 papaya martinis and what-not.

So there you are and across the crowded room, you see kind of intellectually-challenged looking, yet unbelievably hot chick at the bar. You are at a loss for how to approach a luscious pea-brain of this sort. What could you possibly have in common?

Then, eureka!! You remember your Redeye subscription. You simply then have to sidle up to her, put your papaya martini down on the bar and suavely say, "Have you been having problems with your Redeye home delivery, like me? The thing hasn't been arriving before 7am lately and I just can't sit down to my first cup of coffee without it."

Then she begins chattering away about the wonderful insights into Kim Kardashian's lifestyle that she's gleaned from Chicago's newspaper for blithering idiots and the two of you are well on your way to a night of magic.

Or, if for some reason, you should ever find yourself at a gathering of Chicago area SIU, NIU or Northeastern Illinois University alums -- you, as a Redeye home delivery subscriber, will have natural grist for conversation-starting.

Something like, "How much do you tip your Redeye newspaper home delivery man at Christmastime? Is $10 still acceptable, do ya think?"
The Redeye is great for igniting the kindling
in your Chicago winter  fireplace

The possibilities are endless. As a member of an elite group of Redeye subscribers, you will feel right at home with all manner of Chicagoans, who, due to differences in intelligence quotient and taste, might otherwise have seemed unapproachable -- members of gay mens'choral groups, "American Idol" devotees, hip-hop fans, bimbos who follow Charley Sheen and Paris Hilton on Twitter, hipster-doofuses who plan their summers around Lalapalooza and people who still have "Obama-Biden 2008" bumperstickers on their Subarus.

I know I'm getting on the phone right away and getting my free Redeye home delivery.

Who could pass up this opportunity to broaden one's social horizons?

And besides, It'll be fireplace time again soon and what could be more convenient on a chilly Chicago day than free kindling starter delivered right to my door?


  1. Sagacious? I like that.

    But laughing. I pay $8.00 a month for home delivery of a free paper:


    Because apparently the one RedEye box I pass on my way to the corner where I catch my morning cab is in front of a building populated with graduates of SIU, NIU or Northeastern Illinois University. Thanks for letting me know why it was always empty ... when I actually cared.

    While in my AmEx account checking on that, I noticed this:


    When the hell did my Trib subscription go up to $44.00 for 5 day delivery (Wednesday-Sunday, it’s kind of like a personal calendar – Did I get a Trib yesterday, No, did I work yesterday, No, it is Monday, if I worked yesterday it is Tuesday, if it is the first Trib of the week it is Wednesday, if I got one yesterday it is Thursday, if it is thicker than usual it is Friday)?

    $44.00 is more than my weekday NYTimes. Wait, it didn't go up that much, they bill bi-monthly apparently. That's actually a smart business practice and I am quite impressed.

    So why wouldn’t the RedEye bill in a similar manner? It’s transaction fees that kill profitability. But I guess they don’t really care how much Jesus (pronounced hey-seuss) gets, so they run it every month so they don’t get hung for it, and pass the net on to the delivery “agent” (Notice: SUBSCRIPTION $0.00).

    I tried to talk some of my other bills years ago into sending me quarterly bills that so I wouldn't have to pay bills monthly but they wouldn't go for it. And now them damn credit cards aren't allowed to accept over payments to cover pending charges because of the "President Obama's credit card debt relief plan" and if I over pay they send me a check back. Why can't I relieve myself of my (pending) debt?

    I don’t like bills due when I have money. I like sitting down the last week of the month and paying off everything, unless it is a major purchase purposefully made to keep my credit rating up (by having to make payments that exceed my normal spending to bring the balance down over a time frame (even if I could pay it off)).

    Here’s the best part of your post though:

    RJP believes that she is now, quite possibly, the only person in Chicago who actually has the stupid thing delivered and as each new Redeye piles up on her doorstep, it reminds her daily that she forgot, once again, to cancel the damned thing.

    RJP is a he, and he always uses lowercase for rjp, because he likes the look better. Don’t think I am asking you to correct it. If I cared that you used feminine pronouns in error of masculine pronouns, it would have been in my first sentence. Leave your post intact. Shit happens. Thanks for making light of my subscription to a paper that has so much ink on it’s pages that I wouldn’t wipe my ass with it if it was the only paper in the forest next to giant poison ivy vines (okay this is cheating, I am not allergic to poison ivy).

    In defense of my RedEye subscription, I do at least flip through it occasionally. As for my Trib subscription, I consider it worthless to be honest. I do however have virgin home delivery copies (untouched after they got to my door) of Chicago team’s recent championships (and I think I have the corresponding RedEyes, but not sure).

  2. Am I the only Subaru driving, non-carnivore who is not L,B,G, or T, and who would shoot anyone caught trying to put an obama sticker on his car? (with an unregistered weapon, no doubt)
    I don't wear birkenstocks, so that's something I guess. And I do not think what or who I eat is going to save or destroy the planet. However, it is a great car.
    Apparently this car, and not eating meat flags one as a socialist busy body who hates freedom and football. Sad.

  3. I feel your pain, Johno, but I think it is an unhappy fact of life that the Subaru -- particularly the Forester -- has become what the Volvo was in the 70s and 80s, -- a symbol of holier-than-thou liberalism. Just look at the cars in the driveways of Evanston and Oak Park.


Comments invited, however anonymous commentors had better deal directly with the issues raised and avoid ad hominem drivel. As for Teachers' Union seminar writers -- forget about it.