|British Global-Warming Student Horatio Chapple: |
Eaten By Polar Bear
Sooner or later we're all going to have to contemplate our inevitable date with the grim reaper.
Given the few short decades given us to walk this vale of tears, one can hope that when the time comes, it will be peaceful -- perhaps painless -- maybe even meaningful --- but certainly not ridiculous.
That has unfortunately become the sad plight of an ever-increasing number of ideologues of the left, so drunk on their own snake oil as to become a cause for horse laughs on the occasion of their passing.
My all-time favorite in this category was the immortal health food crackpot, Jerome Rodale. He was felled by a gripper (see Chicago Lampoon 4/22/10) before Dick Cavett's live studio audience, minutes after boasting that he would live to be 100 due to his interesting diet of wild nuts and tree bark.
And then there was the animal-loving Ms. Frances Frost, a self-described "environmental dancer" of Canmore, Canada.
After her pet dog was killed by a wild cougar on her property, she refused to allow hunters permission to seek out the blood-thirsty beast and shoot it.
Weeks later, Ms. Frost danced her last eco-friendly tango, as the self-same kitty cat stalked, mauled and killed her.
But now comes sad news from Northern Europe of the nature-loving student who was eaten by a bear while on a school field trip to study "man-made global warming."
It seems that, caught up in a frenzy of excitement over the global warming flapdoodle, a group of 5 British students went off to the isolated Norwegian isle of Spitsbergen to conduct their own studies (replete, no doubt, with falsified data and faked e-mails.)
While communing with nature there, these nature-worshipping Brits ran into a bear. He did not take kindly to nature lovers invading his natural habitat, so naturally, he attacked them.
Four of the young scholars narrowly escaped with their lives, but one, Horatio Chapple, 17, was killed. When his remains were recovered, it seems that the bear had decided that young Master Chapple would make the perfect filling lunch for a cold Nordic day.
So now, young Chapple has entered the never-ending cycle of nature by way of the bear's digestive system. On the bright side, however, at least his carbon footprint has been reduced to a very sustainable, zero.
I'd be willing to bet a steak dinner at Chicago's famed Gibson's Steakhouse that these five British lads were devoted, holier-than-thou vegetarians.
Too bad the bear wasn't.