Combat Child Obesity With "Start Smoking Clinics"

Led by First Lady, Michelle Obama, the uplifters have of late uncovered a new Cause: child obesity.

The yawping bugaboo chasers have been shedding oceans of crocodile tears over the fact that American children are too fat. And they come forth now with enlightened schemes for substituting celery and broccoli for nachos in America's school cafeterias.

Anyone who has ever been in a school cafeteria knows that it is only a matter of days before the little savages will begin hurling celery stalks and broccoli buds at each other. The phenomena will probably reach such a crisis point as to inspire the zero tolerance scholastic pecksniffs to define vegetable abuse as a hate crime and cart the miscreants off to the local hoosegow.

The solution to the child obesity problem is so patently obvious that I thought it would be apparent to even a Congressman.

We simply have to encourage child tobacco consumption.

Since the American Indians first turned on Sir Walter Raleigh, tobacco has been universally recognized as an appetite inhibitant. At least 80% of adults who quit smoking suffer significant weight gain.

I addition, tobacco consumption has been measured to enhance alertness, relieve stress and ease the digestive processes.

Think of the benefits to the legions of listless Attention Deficit Disorder sufferers and the savings in psychotropic drug costs.

We must not only allow our children to smoke, but must take the steps necessary to encourage responsible tobacco use.

Accordingly, I am announcing my new scheme to open a network of "Franklin D. Roosevelt Start Smoking Clinics."

I thought that in this new enlightened era of Social Democrat prominence, it would only be fitting to honor FDR in this way. The architect of the New Deal was seldom seen without a cigarette in his mouth. At his press conferences he used to joke about
his favorite Murad and Camel cigarettes.

And so, at our clinics, we will teach the kids the proper way to light, inhale and extinguish their butts. I think we will start them out on Camel straights -- no use in starting out with halfway measures -- and if they feel like moving on later to more tasty Newports or more chic Virginia Slims, that's their business.

This is hardly a novel concept.

Well into the 1970s, the prestigious Loyola Academy in Wilmette, afforded its Seniors the luxury of their own smoking lounge.

It was a respected rite de passage and Loyola not only had among the highest SAT scores in the region, but one seldon saw any fat men there.

So I say, let's go ahead with the "FDR Start Smoking Clinics."

I have already had my grant writer contact the Phillip Morris Foundation for start up money. And I will be franchising out the idea.

FOR FRANCHISE INFORMATION, JUST DROP ME AN EMAIL.