South Side Voters Asked to Ban Sale of Malt Liquor and Fortified Wines (With Weird Exceptions)

Chicago has always had more than its share of crazy electoral goings-on, but for voters on the South side's 3rd Ward, this looks to be an especially zany year.

In the February 22nd election voters in the 35th precinct of the 3rd Ward (Grand Central area)will be confronted with a ballot referendum that is likely the weirdest that I have ever seen anywhere.

Seems that some do-gooders in that area have gotten a burr in their britches over the activites at one "200 Cut Rate Liquors," located at 204 E. 47th St.

So these paragons of civic decency have drafted and gotten on the ballot a referendum question asking the city to ban the sale of all malt liquor and fortified wines there, except for Night Train, Wild Irish Rose, and Thunderbird.

I am not making this up.

Here is the precise ballot referendum question straight from the Chicago Board of Elections:

200 Cut Rate - Alcoholic Liquor - Ward 03 Pct. 35

Shall 200 Cut Rate Liquors, located at 204 E. 47th St., stop selling all malt liquor, high gravity alcohol and fortified wines (ex. Night Train, Wild Irish Rose, Thunderbird?)
Yes---------No

I can only guess at the reasoning behind making exceptions for the sale of these 3 el-cheapo high-octane wines.

Perhaps the drafters of the referendum fancied themselves sophisticated oeniphiles and reasoned that fine rare vintages such as Night Train, Thunderbird and Wild Irish Rose were much too exquisite to be lumped in with the tawdry Mad Dog 20/20 and its ilk.


Or perhaps they did a cold-blooded analysis of the 3rd Ward electorate and decided that their proposition didn't have a chance of winning if it alienated the powerful voting bloc of regular Night Train, Thunderbird and Wild Irish Rose drinkers.

In any event, it will be on the ballot there in February.

So on the evening of February 22nd, I'll be sitting in front of my TV, nursing the contents of my paper-bag-ensconced bottle of Mad Dog 20/20, anxiously awaiting the voters' judgement on this critical issue.

The Lampoon 2010 Voter's Guide: Choosing by Anagram

Frankly, I am sick of the campaign season. I am sick of getting pummelled by campaign ads.

Since we can't help but hear them, now we know that Andy McKenna is an "outsider" even tho he was the State Chairman of the Republican Party and his megabucks daddy knows and is shaking down every corporate high roller in the five county Chicago area to pay for those ads.

And we now know that every Republican candidate is going to hold the line on taxes and every Democrat is going to clean up the corruption in Springfield and transform Cook County government into a pristine model of good governance to rival that of the ancient Greek city-states.

We hear that big-spender Elizabeth Coulson has newly discovered the joys of opposing tax hikes and that Toni Preckwinkle will cut her own salary, if elected, even tho she voted 4 times to raise her salary before.

And how is it that all the Lt. Governor and comptroller candidates are now going to become jobs creation czars? Last I heard the job descriptions for those useless posts called respectively for going to funerals in the Governor's absence and putting the right check into the right envelope.

Anyone who believes even of tenth of the campaign blather we're hearing probably was excitedly nodding his head in agreement when the hellish Nixon solemnly declared, "I am not a crook," and when the absurd Jimmy Carter heaved up, "I will never lie to you."

The true believers probably felt Chris Matthew's girlish excitement and leg quivers when Geo. Bush The First somberly pronounced, "Read my lips. No new taxes!!" Or when Obama the Magnificent promised to close Guantanamo no later than Jan. 21, 2010.

But we must vote Tuesday. It is our civic duty -- especially if we ever want the Alderman to give us a new garbage can or to patch a gaping pothole. You see, they keep track.

So as long as we must vote, we might as well have a few laughs.

I say, vote for the candidate who has the funniest name when you rearrange all the letters.

Herewith is the Chicago Lampoon's sample ballot of anagramatic candidate names. If you don't believe me, just check out all the letters and you'll see that they all add up. Vote early and often for the ones that make you bust a gut. You may take this with you into the polling place.

DEMOCRATIC PARTY

U.S. SENATE (Vote for 1)

Alexi Giannoulias --- (Asexual Ani Oiling)
Robert Marshall --- (Rambler Harlots)
Cheryle Jackson --- (Shy Jock Cleaner)
Jacob J. Meister --- (Ejects a Rim Job)
David Hoffman --- (Hid Off Mad Van)

GOVERNOR (Vote for 1)

Pat Quinn --- (Nut Pan Qi)
Daniel W. Hynes --- (Had Nils Weeny)

Congress 10th District (Vote for 1)

Daniel J. Seals --- (A Endless Jail)
Julie Hamos --- (He Jam Oil Us)

REPUBLICAN PARTY

U.S. SENATE (Vote for 1)

Kathleen Thomas --- (Make Health Snot)
Mark Steven Kirk --- (RE: Mark's Vet Kink)
Andy Martin --- (Tinny Drama)
Donald (Don) Lowery --- (Worn Addled Loony)
John Arrington --- (Tinhorn Jargon)
Patrick J. Hughes --- (Chap Her Jugs, Kit)

GOVERNOR (Vote For 1)

Bill Brady --- (Blab Drily)
Kirk W. Dillard --- (Wild Lark, Dirk)
Adam Andrzejewski --- (I Jerk Amazed Wands)
Andy McKenna --- (Damn Any Neck)
Dan Proft --- (Fart Pond)
Jim Ryan ---(In My Jar)

CONGRESS 10th District(Vote For 1)

Arie Friedman --- (Nerdier Mafia)
Paul Hamann --- (Anal Ham Pun)
Dick Green --- (Cinder Keg)
Robert Dold --- (Border Dolt)
Elizabeth Coulson* --- (A Sullen Ethnic Bozo)

*Elizabeth Coulson provides too many wild anagrams to list here including many that would be offensive to children or sensitive readers. So here they are:

(The Ozone Bacillus, Cuties Blazon Hole, A Bullies Hot Cozen, Too Sizeable Lunch, Baize Colon Sleuth, Colonize Able Tush, Absolute Zinc Hole, A Schizo Bone Tulle, The Sizeable Uncool, A Bluenose Loch Zit, Incubates Zoo Hell, A Biz Counsel Helot, A Blueish Clot Zone and many many more.)

The anagramatic analysis of the Cook County Board(Toady Bunco Crook)Presidential candidates is proffered in the preceding post where, on the strength of her anagrams, Toni Preckwinkle (New Pinko Tickler) narrowly edged out Dorothy Brown (Born Rowdy Hot)for endorsement.